Sith vs Shit

Sith....is that just a dyslexic's way of spelling shit? I can't read Revenge of the Sith without correcting it in my head to read Revenge of the Shit. Great tagline for that would be: Revenge of the Shit...it happens.

Piles of turd-sized chunks of thunks

Lots swirling between my ears....and I'm not just talking about all the phlegm from having allergies!....thoughts, opinions, ponderings, conundrums, cravings.....try to keep up.

• I'm addicted to books. I read lots of different types of books and I never feel like I have enough books. If, God forbid, I don't have a book lined up to read once I finish whichever book I'm reading at the moment.....crankies, tremblies, can't sleepies...the withdrawal symptoms are horrendous. I need a book, and I need it NOW!!! Luckily, I'm set for a couple of months now. We've hit some yard sales, my Mom-in-Love donated some to the cause, Salvation Army Thrift Store has paperbacks for only $.89! and hardcover are $1.00....loaded up there! Then.....some good friends of our are moving into a place that was previously owned by an old couple. They had an estate sale and all that didn't sell was just left in the house for our good friends to wade through. When I heard about the books I grabbed a couple of Wal*Mart bags and headed out to their place. Well....I only filled 1 bag. That's what I told Butchy, "only one bag." When she saw the look on my face she asked about what else I got out there...."one bag....and....well....6 boxes!" That's right, 6 boxes of books!!! Talk about orgasmic! I'm a happy reader! Butchy, on the other hand, is not so thrilled. All I can say is that it's a good thing we recently bought a kick-ass handtruck!
• Still on books....I recently finished The DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons....I read them in that order, not knowing about Angels & Demons until after I finished the Code. Those books....I'm pretty sure they would give my fundamentalist father the vapors! They were well written. I figured out the "bad guy" in each one long before they were revealed. That's a something I've been cursed with. I'm rarely surprised. When I am....I LOVE it!
• Even more on books....remember Spenser for Hire? The TV show. He had a side-kick named Hawk. I have no idea where I got the book, but I have the most recent book in the series: Cold Service by Robert B. Parker. Let me just say that now I'm doomed with having to get ALL of the books in the series. I love the humor....I find myself laughing out loud....that's not normal for me. Unless, of course, I'm reading Kim's blog or my Bloom County/Opus & Friends book. Spenser and Hawk have great chemistry and their conversations just crack me up.
• Continuing with books: I know, I'm obsessed with books....I've already covered that! Shhhh....you might learn something.....I mean, other than that I'm obsessed with books. I've come to realize something about Danielle Steel's books....her main characters seem to be the same person. I've read about 4 or 5 of her books in the last 2 months and they all seem to be about the same person....just different locations and methods for their husbands to die off. All the first husbands die long before the woman. I've never been into her books before....I'm not into romantic, love, and such stories. I like Tom Clancy and fictional crime stories. I'm usually reading more than one book at a time...my norm is 2. So right now I've got the Spenser book about done and I'm also reading James Michener's Chesapeake. I just finished his Carribean book.....his novels are my favorite way to learn world history. I have Gai-jin...or something like that....waiting for me in one of the 6 boxes....also his Covenant books.
• I think that's about it for my books rant........oh don't be so dramatic....it wasn't THAT taxing on you! Collapsing in relief is just a bit over the top, don't you think?

Big plans for today....Depo shot (one of the few lesbians in the world on birth control....I just love it cuz it totally stops me from having periods. If law enforcement knew how bad my PMS is....it would be a law for me to be on that shot. LOVE THAT SHOT!!!) and I'm gonna get some acrylic nails. When I moved to Oak Harbor I quit getting them because the price over there was DOUBLE what it is over here. I can get a full set here for $25 and fills are $15....in Oak Harbor full sets are $45 on up! Fills were around $20+! I prefer acrylics cuz my own nails are so strong and sharp that I cut myself with them. I have a scar on my leg from where I gouged myself with my thumb nail. Acrylics are much safer for me and those around me!

If you've read all the way to this point then I feel there's something I can share with you....we've bonded by now........I'm hating my pits right now. My armpits are the bane of my existence lately......in my left pit I have a rash of some sort (I've NEVER had a rash like this ANYWHERE!!!) and in my right pit I have either a pimple from the pits of hell or it's a boil. It sucks to be me! I've never had anything in my armpits except for an occasional ingrown hair....and those are really rare for me. I use a brush when I shower and that keeps me from getting ingrowns. See, aren't you glad you read this whole post, just to find out I'm having pit problems? You're feeling pretty good about your life right about now, aren't ya?

In a Funk

Sometimes I wish that I was crazy or on drugs.....crazies and druggies have the best blogs. You start reading a post and then suddenly you're watching a train plowing down the tracks headed straight for a kid and you just can't look away. Magically...through the power of crank/crack/hash/shrooms or a crazy who needs to be on one of those....the train turns into a bunny hopping through the forest picking up the field mice and.... grinding them into the dirt with the heel of their steel-toed boots. It's one helluva wild ride that never slows down enough for you to leap off without decapitation. Since I'm not certifiably crazy....or a druggie, when I finally escape with my head still attached, I'm left with an overwhelming case of what-the-fucks. What-the-fucks are similar to those times when you get so drunk the world is spinning and you're sure you're going to be flung off and will forever be orbiting the planet with your fingers tightly clenching your toilet's seat. There's just no rhyme or reason....logic is a foreigner in those parts. Maybe I just need to get drunk before posting....no, that won't work....alcohol puts me to sleep. I'll think up something........

I da ho...he da pimp....she da mistress

My creative juices have been flowing today...I've made quite the juicy mess! Christopher over at Diary of a Lost Boy has allowed me to come over and play in his sandbox. Even with sand in all my nooks and crannies...I'm having a blast. If you're having trouble trying to find your inner Drama Queen-ness he's got a list over there to help you on your journey.

Mistress S of you're MINE NOW was in desperate need of a blog. She just didn't know it! I have shared with her the wonders of blogging and now she's causing me to blush on a regular basis. If you've been naughty and you need a spanking....I'm sure she'll be more than happy to put you in your place.

You'll see my handiwork at each site. I'm sure they'd both love to hear from by Bloggin' Buds! Don't blame me if either site offends your sensitivities....I'm just the Blog Goddess....I'm NOT responsible for the content!

Is this for real?

Found this site while surfing.....I can't decide if it's for real. I'm thinking it might be. Now I need to come up with a juicy secret to tell........

It's amazing how clear the world becomes when you clean your glasses!

Excuse me!

I burped.

Don't be interesting! I'm surfing, for Christ's sake!

Why is it when you're surfing for credits through one of the traffic sites you only get interesting blogs when you don't want them? I am way behind in the credit department, so today was surfing for credits day. Of course, there are a zillion really good blogs out there and they all show up today....so I land on one, end up reading it and all the links and then forget what I'm doing! When I am surfing, but don't really need the credits, I only get the most boring and dumbest blogs on the planet. Is this Murphy's Law or some such thing?

YAY...Kraft!!!

Kraft Internal Memo Reaffirms Gay Games Sponsorship

It's about time a company said, "no!" to the Christian Nazis Coalition! Kraft has always been one of my favorite companies...their mac & cheese kicks ass! Don't get me started on their Mega Cup chocolate pudding! It's comforting to know that Kraft values all of their customers, not just the Nazis. Too bad Microsoft doesn't have the same policy. This just proves to me that Kraft has bigger balls than Microsoft.

My Hero!!

I have to share with the world something that actually made me tear up last night. I'm not one of those women that tear up over every little thing. It has to be pretty touching for me tear up.

I have been having one heckuva time trying to figure out how to post my banner on the traffic engine sites. I kept getting email telling me about the problem....NOONE would give me a solution!! Until last night! My new bestest techy friend is Jeff at BlogExplosion. He can have my firstborn....wait, I don't have a firstborn. I'll share my chocolate stash with him.....see, I said share....I'm not insanely going to give it all to him....that's just nuts!

Here's the note I wrote to BlogExplosion:
For some odd reason my banner won't work when done through the check system thingy...but it works fine in the browser????

I'm having the same problem with Blogclicker and BlogXchange....Blogclicker finally did it manually and it's working fine....any hints or tips on what I can do???

Here's the url to my banner: http://photos1.blogger.com/img/271/3013/640/Say%20What.jpg

Here's Jeff's response:

First of all sorry for the delay in response as our admin person has been ill.

You need two parts to add a banner.

URL/blog you want to point it to

Now for the image to display which is giving you the problem. The issue is that blogger does not allow blind transfer display. This means images stored on blogger can only be seen if your entire page is shown.

Solution -- Go to http://www.imageshack.us and use their free image hosting service so your banner will display.

Hope this helps
Jeff
:-)

Isn't he just wonderful? If I was a straight woman I'd be lusting after his highly technical mind. I'm so happy that I've been doing the Happy-Fat-Kat-Dance since I received his reply! It doesn't take much to win my devotion.

Going to Hell

Just so's y'all know, Butchy is a heathen. She's knocking on Heaven's door and they're all inside hiding under the table shushing each other. Her eternal soul is damned to the depths of hell. I keep waiting for the lightning to zot-foof her off the planet and into eternity......clear skies, so far. Don't hold your breath, though. The girl is walkin' on the darkside now.

Wanna know what she did? It has nothing to do with her being gay.....people who think gays won't be in heaven are in for one fabulous surprise. Who do you think will be in charge of picking out the colors to paint all those mansions in heaven? Only a gay man can guarantee the mansions will match the pearly gates and the streets made of gold. Puh-leze! So, the gay thing? Doesn't doom anyone to hell. What she did tonight is much worse than being gay.

You better make sure you're sitting ass fully against the chair....no chance of falling over. You might want to lean against the desk.....this is your last warning.

Butchy....gasp!....tore the cover off of a Bible! Are you feeling the vapors coming on? I know it's a little much to grasp all at once...but, I swear to God on my lovely COVERED Bible that it's the God's honest truth!

You're probably wondering why she would desecrate God's Word. Well....maybe.....it could be....perhapsibly (a word I made up that sooo should be in the dictionary)......uhmmm.......ok....I confess! I asked her to do it! Am I going to hell by association? I'm too fabulous for hell. Here's the deal.....the little old lady that Butchy takes care of was helping her son and his partner getting things moved out of their house and to a house in the country by just randomly throwing stuff in the garbage. That's her way to clean house. She's almost 100, what is there that's really worth holding on to at that age? Into the garbage went her son's mail....that he hadn't read yet....and one of her Bibles. He couldn't bring himself to throw the Bible away, so I agreed to take it for him and use it in my scrapbooking. When I saw it I realized that due to my strict-stick-in-the-ass-fundamentalist upbringing I wouldn't be able to bring myself to cut out my favorite passages unless the cover was ripped off. I'm ok with underlining and highlighting in my Bible....but actually cutting something out of it? That's just wild! So, Butchy....being the only one willing to acknowledge that the Bible is simply a book....stepped outside and ripped off the front cover for me.

Many people would say the Bible is the Word of God. But, according to the Bible, it's the words of God and Jesus is the Word. Rest assured, Butchy did not in any way, shape or form rip anything off of Jesus. He's still sitting up in Heaven, at the right hand of God, waiting for God to give him the go ahead to come back and scare the holy living crap out of all the heathens, pagans, and everyone else who isn't on G.W. Bush's & James Dobson's mailing list. I do believe in the rapture.....I just think that GW & James are gonna be surprised with who shows up at the big party in the sky and who doesn't.

All I know when it comes to what I believe in....I'm thankful that God has a sense of humor! And He couldn't care less about what happens to a book's cover.

Boxlessness, Weirdities & Oddities

Boxlessness
I do not just think outside the box.....I live outside the box. Growing up with a creative mother I never knew there was a thinking box. The only box I was ever aware of was the behavior box....being an MK (Missionary Kid) I was shoved into that box whether I wanted to be or not. It didn't fit. As soon as I left home that box was blown to smithereens.

I'm committed to living a life of honesty. Part of that commitment is behaving honestly....real...genuine...true. This commitment does not give me a license to be rude, obnoxious & uncaring. I believe in tact & discretion....I don't believe in "being nice." Being nice has never been a goal of mine. People use "nice" to manipulate and control others. Therefore, I am not nice and never will be. When someone says to me, "you're not nice" it's usually because I'm not doing something that they want me to do. When I respond with, "so?" They are boggled that I don't care about what they think. I have no room for niceness in my life of honesty. People persist in asking questions that they don't really want answered....or they want it answered in a specific way. If you choose to be honest with them.....then suddenly you are not nice. Screw nice. Nice is for those wusses who have no backbone. It takes courage to live a life of honesty. As long as I'm not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, I don't care what most people think about me. I'm selective with whose opinions matter to me. If everyone's opinions mattered to me I would be even crazier than I already am....it's just not worth my time and effort to care.

Weirdities & Oddities

I haven't decided if my reaction to Tom Cruise dating Katie Holmes is weird or odd...or if they mean the same exact thing and I'm oddly weird. All I know is that I think it's icky. She's 16 years younger than him....he's old enough to be her father....if he was a teenaged father.

The odd/weird part of my reaction is that I have no problems with Catherine Zeta-Jones marrying Michael Douglas or with Demi & Ashton rockin' the cradle. There's just something about Tom Cruise......

The King is Coming!!!

We're going!!! The production will be in town from Oct 27th to early Dec. For the first time in my 38 years I spent the night standing in line for tickets. What an adventure!

We (Butchy & I) arrived at the Spokane Arena around 3 AM...that's right, A-frickin'-M!!! Initially we went to the wrong door. We went to the Ticket Office, they had signs on the window that indicated we were s'posed to be at the Upper Box Office.....we wondered where everyone was. We couldn't be the first people in line....we weren't. When we went around the building to the Upper Box Office there was a bunch of people sitting on lawn chairs all bundled up in heavy blankets. It was sooooo cold! (low to mid 40's)

Butchy & I were numbers 44 & 45....they gave us wrist bands for some unknown reason. They never even looked at them after they gave them to us! The first 100 were getting either a free T-shirt or a free CD....we figured the wrist bands would have something to do with the freebies...nope...noone ever looked at them! Weird.

Around 5 AM two Hummers pulled up and started giving everyone free coffee. Too bad I'm not a coffee drinker....I was frozen to the concrete. Not literally....my bum was numb, it felt like my bum had abandoned ship. I shiver just thinking about how cold I was. Being the genius that I am, I wore 2 heavy shirts and a jacket with sandals to complete my winter ensemble. Are you dazzled by my brilliance? My toes HATE me! What a dumb-dumb. My name is Kat and I'm an idiot!

6 A-frickin'-M, after a stupid way-too-happy countdown by a local radio station, we were directed to which window we were to buy our tickets from. We had gotten $ & "orders" from friends so Butchy & I went up to the window seperately. I bought six and she followed behind to buy 3 more. We got awesome seats....dead center! We wanted to attend on the first Sun after opening day and that's what we got! We wanted the "cheap seats" and that's what we got! There are NO bad seats in the Spokane Opera House...I've seen zillions of "stuff" there and it really doesn't matter where you sit! All I knew is I wanted to be "dead center" and to not be too close to the stage. From what I've seen in previews of the show and heard there's quite a bit to see in this show. We're gonna borrow Jayj's binoculars, in case we want to see somethin' really close up. Here's our view of the stage:

A couple of days ago I was talking to Butchy's Mom and telling her how much I wanted to see the show. We had no clue how much tickets would cost...but, we were gonna do what we could so that we could go. B's Mom, my Mom-in-Love, responded that she wanted to see it so bad she'd trade her left tit! That must mean she REALLY wants to see it! LMAO As a surprise we bought MiL 2 tickets. She can keep her left tit...we have plenty.

It was around 6:15 am when we finally had our tickets in our chubby-bubby hands. We had gotten a free T-shirt and a free CD since B & I went through the line separately. We decided to give MiL the T, since it wouldn't fit my right thigh! I wrapped her tickets up in the T. After a very short discussion, we headed up to her house to wake her ass up and surprise the hell out of her.

Knowing that B's step-dad, my Dad-in-Love, wouldn't be too thrilled with being awakened before 7 on a Sat we stopped by Yoke's and bought donuts. When we got up to their house it didn't look like they were up and about, yet....therefore we knew that we must bang the hell out of their bedroom window! It makes sense, right? Turned out they were awake and starting to get their groove on...it's a good thing we were there to stop such debauchery!

We told them about how we had stayed up all night to get tickets. We told Mom how proud we are of her commitment to her diet and the 30 lbs that she's lost so far and we wanted her to have the T-shirt. She fell apart! She started crying...almost to the point of sobbing. It meant so much to her! Once she had calmed down enough, I said that I wanted to make sure the T would fit her and she should take a look at it. She unfolded the T by holding it up in front of her. I saw the tickets fall to the floor, she didn't. I simply said, "Mom." It was at that moment they caught her eye. She fell completely apart. We have never seen her like that before.....she's one of those gentle spirits that cries easily. If something touches her heart, in any way, she'll tear up. We call them her "moments." Today MiL had a MAJOR moment! Butchy started worrying about her it went on so long. She was finally able to take a breath....good thing, too! We didn't want to have to explain to the paramedics that she was unconscious because of The Lion King!

As we were leaving Dad was talking to their neighbor over the backyard fence....Mom excitedly exclaimed to him, "I'm going to The Lion King!!" She held her arms out so that he could admire her T, she had to put it on immediately, of course! We made her year.

On the way home we had some excitement. We came VERY CLOSE to being hit by a truck. Maybe it should have hit us, I need a new car! But, it didn't....we're alive and whiplash-free. Just a couple of minutes later we had turned onto a different street, there were sirens blaring from every direction. We saw a cop car stop at the intersection we were headed towards, but there was no accident.....seconds later this primer-painted Corvette came barreling through the intersection and flipped a wheel-screeching tire-smoking bitch....the cops had him trapped. They approached the car with guns drawn....we were in a flippin' Cops episode! Bad boys, bad boys.....

Talk about one eventful night! I need to get out more, it's not good for my heart to shove so much drama in just one night.

TIBBY'S DEAD!!!!

We come home tonight and found my dresser bare....the birdcage on the floor....birdseed EVERYWHERE....a couple of feathers....2 bored cats....and the birdcage is EMPTY!! No Tibby! Certain that the fuzzies have turned Tibby into a bite-sized-appetizer, Butchy scrubs out his empty home and returns it to our roommate. We then begin the sad chore of cleaning up birdseed and replacing the other items that were knocked off my dresser.....

With a sad heart, I sit in front of my computer staring at my monitor (the new-slightly-used one!) prepping myself to write Tibby's eulogy, Ode to Tibby. Before my creativity could begin warming up, I notice Tiggy (one of the bored cats) staring at something behind my head....out of the corner of my right eye I see the shadow of something larger than a moth in the corner (I have a lamp in the corner on the floor).....I whiplash my head around and lo and behold, TIBBY IS ALIVE!!! Tell me that's not a miracle! There must be a God!!! Little teeny-tiny Tibby has been out of his cage, unable to fly, stuck in a mid-sized bedroom with 2, yes TWO, cats! The reason we have Tibby is because of his flight-issues. This either means that God's eye really IS on the sparrow (Tibby is a black throated sparrow).....or we have 2 of the dumbest cats on the planet! It's probably a mixture of both. I say this cuz I do believe in God caring about sparrows and Tiggy is acting all kinds of freaked-out. I think Tibby's flutterings scared our big fat man-cat! Tibby, the teeny-tiny sparrow, is gonna start thinking he's the alpha cat if we're not careful!

We have moved his cage to where the fat-fuzzies can't reach him. He's been back in his cage now for a little over an hour....usually he's a singin' fool. Not tonight.....there hasn't been a peep out of him. Maybe he taunted the fuzzies and they "took him down." Hopefully he won't develop PTSD....we just can't afford counseling right now.

Gateway to Heaven

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh.....Ragdoll's wishes for me and my monitor woes have come true! I'm so happy with my brand new-slightly used-monitor! It's nothing technically special....just a run of the mill monitor....but....IT WORKS GREAT!!! I can actually see facial features! What I thought was just a black box on my weather page....it's a MAP!!! With like details and names and all that mappy stuff! :::Happy Fat Kat Dance::: I can't remember where I found this monitor...I think it was online. A business downtown is changing over to flatscreen fancy dancy monitors, so they are selling their "old" monitors for only $20!!! I'm 1/2 tempted to go back and get 1 or 2 more....my luck with monitors lately hasn't been that great.

Just cuz I'm sure someone out in la-la land (aka: online) might want to know the specs of my new-old-monitor: Gateway EV500, Standard 15" display size (13.9" viewable) High refresh rates and fine .28mm dot pitch 1028 x 1024 resolution capability Anti-glare and anti-static coatings.

If I didn't get a fantastic deal....I don't want to hear about it! Leave me to my delusions. I think $20 is a fabulous price to pay for how good I feel now!

Monitor Shmonitor

Welcome to my hell. On this floor you will find the carcasses of dead monitors. It's not the dead ones that make this hell, though. They are only here for ambience. No, what makes this Monitor Hell are the monitors that work. They work, but....and this is one ginormous B U T.....they are absolutely the most crappy-crap-crap EVER!!!

I know, I should be grateful that I even have a monitor...even if it is the crappiest of crap-craps.....BITE MY FAT FUZZY!!! I'm NOT grateful!!! ::insert foot stomping here:: I want my old monitor back! It had a 19 inch screen, pretty colors, a contrast button that actually worked (herein lies my problem), and I had decorated the area around the screen with cute little Pooh thingies! Pooh makes me happy, get over it. I'm not on this planet to please you!

When I look at my favorite blogs I want to be able to see their imaginative backgrounds, not your basic run-of-the-mill blackhole.....I want their kids to look human, rather than resembling dark orange Star Trek rejects!.....I want pictures of sunny scenery to look sunny, and not cloudy with chances of a hurricane!....::insert big ass whine here::

What really gets my knickers in a knot are my beautiful buttons (I just had a line from Shrek slam into my head and it is refusing to go away! "not my beautiful gumdrop buttons!" Am I the only person on this planet that can't stand that whiney cookie's voice??? If he was chocolate chip....ohhhhhhh....he'd be such a goner!!!)...ok back to MY beautiful buttons.....they are only beautiful on this crappy-crappola piece of crap! When I saw them on Butchy's laptop....not so much....didn't look as beautiful as I thought. Butchy says that they're fine and basically....no I'm not quoting her here....I'm so anal I can't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture (that just sounds painful!). For now my buttons have to stay imperfect. ::groan:: I do suffer so. I think I feel "the vapors" coming on.....uh oh....I just re-read the part about chocolate chip cookies....they are the only cure for "the vapors" that I know of. Not that I actually looked for any other cure once I discovered how well they dealt with the much dreaded "vapors." Why would I even bother continuing my highly scientific study??? That would be lunacy!

Mother of God & the Pope, too! I can't believe this! I just looked up the definition of "vapors." No, Merriam-Webster doesn't have the " ".....that's just cuz they aren't as clever as I am. Anyway...the definition....get a load of this:

1 : diffused matter (as smoke or fog) suspended floating in the air and impairing its transparency
2 a : a substance in the gaseous state as distinguished from the liquid or solid state b : a substance (as gasoline, alcohol, mercury, or benzoin) vaporized for industrial, therapeutic, or military uses; also : a mixture (as the explosive mixture in an internal combustion engine) of such a vapor with air
3 a : something unsubstantial or transitory : PHANTASM b : a foolish or fanciful idea

That was all truly booooooring! Now here's the good stuff!

4 plural a archaic : exhalations of bodily organs (as the stomach) held to affect the physical or mental condition

Here's the one I was talking about...sheesh they saved it for last!
b : a depressed or hysterical nervous condition

I just HAD to bold and "redden" the bestest part of the definition......wait til y'all hear about my Mama!! That woman mastered the fine art of "vaporing." Again with the " "! Cool your jets, Turbo....I like 'em! Just so y'all know...I don't do the finger " "....that's just annoying!

This post is a heckuva lot longer than I had planned....blame it on "the vapors." I'll tell y'all about my Mama later. Y'all? When did I become a southern belle? Oh, that's right...when I started discussing "the vapors!" Here they come, again! Hurry...hand me a chocky chip cookie!

Blog Formerly Known As......

I want to change the name of my blog....I'm tired of the vanilla name....I want a textured chunky funky name. If I change the name of my blog will it screw up everyone's site that links to me? I'm asking all 3 of my linkers....they're a small group...but, oh! are they wild!

I'm gonna test it out I think....I'm feeling pretty brave. Maybe I should send an email to my big bustling group of linkers......I think I will. I don't want them to see a new name and freak out, or anything.....they're all freaked out enough, if ya ask me! LOL

From my toenails

Down to my toenails is as deep as I can go. Lately I've been in "deep mode." If life was a swimming pool, I'd be in the deep end wearing my pink wingies (You know what I'm talking about...those armband wingy things that kids wear in the pool. I don't really need them to stay afloat, fat floats BIG time! But, they are cute and I want some! Kids don't own cuteness ya know!!). I'd be bobbing along like that turd that refuses to flush.

I typically get into this mode/mood around my Birthday. That's not until Oct, so I guess I'm avoiding the rush and starting now. Who knows, maybe I'm bobbing my way deeper into the peri-menopausal pool?!?

Instead of cluttering up my main page with words of importance and depth I'm going to write my deep thunks (as in, who da thunk?) out on my Reading, Writing and Ruminations page. I mean, that IS what it's there for. So, if ya wanna know what's going on in my slightly askew head....you'll find some big chunks of deep thunks over there.

Where's MY MUGSHOT!?!?!?!?!?!

Thanks to Kim I have another item to add to my list of grievances against Spokane County Sheriff's Department....I hadn't even thought about my lack of a mugshot!!!! Didn't even get a MUGSHOT!! Kim's right....there will be nothing for the tabloids to dig up on me when I'm a famous writer/superhero.....my life will seem to be vanilla, when I'm aiming for a hot fudge life....with chunks 'n' nuts! (See, that's more of the texture I was talking about yesterday.)

I just thought of something....I actually do have a mugshot. Back in my church-going days I volunteered at Spokane County Jail. Because I was actually going into the units to mingle with the Jesusless-who-need-me-to-show-them-THE-WAY inmates, I had to go through the whole booking process.....how weird is that?!?!? I don't get booked when I DO commit a crime, only when I'm being a good little Christian girl out to save the lost! How screwed up is that???

I'm full of righteous indignation over all this....the cure for all this indignity: chocolate. But then, when isn't chocolate a cure-all for me? I need cake.

"Arrested Arrested????"

It's time for me to open up. I'm not the innocent Pryncess you all think I am. I'm the proud owner of a sordid past. "Did you just say you're proud of your sordid past?" Yes, Ms. Judgemental...I did. It gives my life texture. Texture is a necessity if you endeavor to have a wonderfully interesting and full life. That's the end of my Texture Lecture. I could go on and on...but, I'm just filling space....it's time for me to move on to my confession.

Dec. 30th, 1996 around 7 in the evening, I was trying to find a church that I had never been to. It's true...a church! The church was hosting a concert that I had volunteered to help out with. In "those days" I was part of People for Christ Ministries....a group that brought in Christian artists and produced wonderful concerts. Through this group I met so many fantastically talented and just plain really nice Christian singers and bands. I'm not gonna talk about the jerks I met....I'll save that for another post.

Before I make my confession there's some info you MUST have....I have night blindness. Headlights from approaching cars blind me. I shouldn't be allowed to drive at night. It's gotten worse over the years, so now I do all I can to NOT drive at night. That's it for info. I was heading North on Argonne....knew my turn was coming up, but there was construction going on and I couldn't figure out what lane I was s'posed to be in or if I was really supposed to turn right onto Mission.....I decided at the last moment to turn on Mission. I turned right....next thing I knew I had bright flashing lights in my rearview mirror blinding me. I pulled off the road and into Ace Hardware's parking lot. (Insert suspense-filled music here)

After positioning their spotlights to blind me and approaching my car cautiously, the nice Sheriff's Deputy requested my driver's license and registration. He informed me that I was pulled over for not stopping at a red light before turning. His partner was hovering on the passenger side of my little '85 Chevy Spectrum piece-of-crap. I have been taught that when you're pulled over keep your hands on the steering wheel and before moving them let the officer know what I would be doing. I then informed Mr. Deputy that my registration was in my glove box, he let his partner know......unfortunately, I jerked the glove box open....out of the gb poured pads and tampos. They were flying all over the floor and the passenger seat. Better watch it Mr. D I'll pull a tampon on you! Yeah, that's me...Ms. Danger...living on the edge.....whatever.

So, after covering the passenger side in feminine products I finally found my registration. Then came the year long wait....if you have to wait over 5 minutes that can't be good. My wait was about 20 - 30 minutes. 1/2 an hour after cleaning out my glove box there was a tow truck backing up to my car....sooooo not a good sign!!! Mr. D came back to my car and asked me to get out cuz I was under arrest.

"What!?!? Arrest?"
"Yes, Pryncess (not the actual name he called me....duh!). You are under arrest for driving on a suspended license."
"Arrested arrested?"
Holding back a chuckle..."Yes, ma'am...arrested, arrested."
"Arrested, arrested?!?" Panic is now invading my tone....and my tummy.
Holding back a big ol' guffaw..."Yes, ma'am...arrested, arrested."
"Arrested, arrested? For real?"
This time he didn't bother answering me.

As the tow truck began loading up my precious piece-of-crap car, Mr. D led me back to his not-a-piece-of-crap-Sheriff-car. Still standing outside the car, he asked me if I had any weapons or sharp objects on me....then he told me to get in the backseat. Before getting into his rolling jail I asked him if he wanted to frisk me....nope, he just wanted me to get in.

WAIT A MINUTE HERE MR. D.....I'M A FAITHFUL COPS WATCHER....I KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FRISK ME!!! GODDAMMIT...IF I'M ARRESTED ARRESTED, I WANNA BE FRISKED!!! AND WHERE ARE THE HANDCUFFS??? HOW CAN I BE ARRESTED ARRESTED WITHOUT BEING FRISKED OR HANDCUFFED??? I WAS BEING ROBBED!!! This was gonna prob'ly be my only time to be arrested arrested...I wanted the full experience! See what I mean about being robbed....harrrumph!

So, now I'm sitting in the backseat listening to Mr. D teaching Mr. Newbie Deputy how to fill out all the paperwork. Mr. D handed me a clipboard with a ticket on it for me to sign....then...THEN...THEN THEN THEN....he ASKED ME....get a load of this....HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME WHERE I WANTED TO BE DROPPED OFF AT!?!?!? What a crock! I asked...just to be completely sure....."I've been arrested arrested, right?" At this point Mr. D is no longer holding anything back....he's laughing so hard he's bent over almost in 1/2. "Pryncess, you are really arrested arrested." That was said by Mr. Newbie, Mr. D was incapacitated with laughter.

"You're just going to drop me off somewhere? I'm not going to jail? I'm arrested arrested?"

"No, you're not going to jail. We don't see you as a threat to society."

"You don't know me very well!" More laughter, this time from both of them.

"Where would you like us to drop you off?"

There was a Holiday convenience store across the street.....after they could see clearly enough to drive (tears from laughter was the only weapon I had, I guess.) they dropped me off at Holiday. They both apologized for ruining my night...I think I made their year! They were both laughing so hard they couldn't even say anything when they dropped me off, they just waved as they drove away.

Shortly after they drove away, I realized another way that I was robbed from the full experience.....THEY NEVER MIRANDIZED ME!!!!! I never got the right to remain silent!! Nothing I said could be used against me in a court of law.....no attorney...no understanding these rights....NOTHING!!! Talk about being royally gypped!!!!

In the end my driving on a suspended license was dropped to driving without a license because I proved to the prosecutor that I had no knowledge about the supension. The notice was sent to the wrong address. It all stemmed from a speeding ticket that I had gotten in a different county that I had paid and the payment was applied to the wrong person.

I'm still upset about not getting the full deal.....not that I wanted to go to jail...but, if you're truly arrested arrested you should, AT THE VERY LEAST, get mirandized, frisked and handcuffed!!! sheeeeeeesh!!! In the end, I didn't even get a record. Not that I wanted one...but...well, you know.

Amazing Race & Chewed Fingers

:::sigh::: Amazing Race 7 has come to an end. I'm happy and sad all at the same time. Wisely, I made sure not to eat while watching the finale (check out burp to find out why). What I should have done is chewed gum....instead I chewed my fingernails down to the quick. If the show had gone on any longer I would've been heading for the toenails!

We are sooooo happy for Uchenna & Joyce! They are one of those rare TV reality show winners that actually deserve to win. The integrity that they showed throughout the race....amazing. Their actions made this race truly amazing. When Uchenna refused to cross the finish line until the cab driver was "taken care of"......I'm in awe of him. There aren't enough words in the English language to describe what a man of honor Uchenna is. Joyce showed her true colors, too. She is as honorable & deserving of their win as Uchenna is. They are the perfect team. There will be showers of blessings flowing over them....it's edifying to know that they will appreciate and be grateful for each and every blessing that comes their way. Now.....lets send lots of positive thoughts & pregnant prayers their way....the child that enters their life will be one very blessed baby!

Buttons, buttons & more buttons!

I've been a button-making fool today...noone could tell me how to do it so I decided I would figure it out come hell or high water. And I think I did a pretty good job! I'm so good at it that I'm looking for excuses to make buttons now...need a button? Let me know!

You can check out my "masterpieces" in the sidebar. They even work! How's that for some wicked talent? Oh yeah, I'm THAT good! My goal was to make each button represent the blogger that they link to.....Alekx's button has a background that's Cozumel undersea, that's where she is diving right now....maybe not right this second, but when it's daylight....Rosie's button has her son Blake on it...love that picture of him!

Now if only I can figure out how to link my awesome banners to the traffic surfer sites! GRRRRRRR

I'm too distracted by American Idol right now....I'll be back once AI and Amazing Race are over. It's the FINALE for Amazing Race!!! I can't wait to see who wins...if it's the couple that got all the bets....yet, I don't want it to end...I'll be going through withdrawals come next Tues.

So Much News, So Little Interest

Jennifer Garner is pregnant....can we assume that Ben Affleck is the father?

Renee Zellweger married Kenny Chesney yesterday. She should change her last name....Zellney, Chesweger, Zellches, Cheszell, Smith, Johnson, Jones...those are a few suggestions.

Cinderella's shoe has been found....again.

Jesus Christ is having some legal issues. This time it's not with the Saducees and Pharisees. It's with the West Virginia DMVicees.

I'm bored. Let's go eat cake.

Banners, buttons & bows

H E L P!!!! Someone stole my Visa Checkcard!! Wait...no....that was on TV...THIS is real life....or something closely resembling it. Great!, now my mind is stuck on Spider Man saying, "Read my lips."

Now to my predicament.....I've made some kick-ass banners....I uploaded them onto my blogger page that is reserved for all my pics and graphics.....I copied the image location and placed the url in the appropriate box on BlogExplosion, BlogClicker & BlogXchange.....NONE of them work! They can't do their verification thingy through their check system doo-hickey. Something about a hot linking thinga-ma-jig....whatever that means. I know that "thingy," "doo-hickey," and "thinga-ma-jig" are all highly technical terms...but, I know that you smary-pants out there would understand what I was saying.

Also, I want to make some buttons.....

Here's where all you geniuses come in.....does Blogger allow hot linking? Can you see where I made a mistake? What size are buttons typically? Who will win Survivor? Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried? The last 2 questions were added just cause I know that someone "out there" knows the answers.

My Mom

This is the woman that I am honored to call "Mama." She doesn't read my blog, I'm not even sure she knows I have one....or even what a blog is. She has a real life, not like me who spends a lot of time blogging and reading others blogs.

My Mom is an incredible woman. Her life's motto is: Do the loving thing. She lives her life accordingly. Her life is dedicated to loving people. When I've had items stolen from me, or I've lost something...she brought into focus that the only "things" that are eternal are people. Things will get lost, stolen or even disintegrate....people are forever.

I'm still working on being more "Mom-like." She is my mentor and my friend.

Love you, Mama!

Giving the bird...

We are not "bird people." We're not into bird watching....just bird eating. We love our chicken & turkey dinners. Get the idea we're not into birds? Then why for the love of chicken tenders do we keep coming across birds that need our help???? Don't they know that we'd rather eat a bird than commune with it?

Many months ago Butchy found a pigeon with its head caught in the wooden fence on the north side of our driveway. After calling the animal authorities who told us we were on our own, we began trying to figure out how to get the bird's head out of our fence. I hadn't seen the bird yet so I trudged out to investigate. After much configuring: I pushed the board on one side of his head while pulling the other on the other side of his little bird head....meanwhile Butchy slowly raised the bird. When we put him down he wasn't able to move...he'd worn himself completely out. Being the geniuses that we are (it's true, don't bother arguing with me about it!) we grabbed a box and took Jonathan Livingston Pigeon into the house. We set him up with bread and water (there's no Geneva Convention for injured birds) and called it good. We knew he probably only needed time to recover from his harrowing ordeal.

This is not JLP...just a distant relative.

The next day when we decided his insurance would no longer cover his stay in our facility it was time to set him loose. Only thing is: he had no intention of leaving! He had it good...food, water, shelter from the elements. We had to turn the box onto its' side and then tip the stubborn guy out of it. He just wandered around pecking at the bread that had come out of the box with him...he was in no rush to leave. We wanted to make sure he could fly in the presence of danger so we clapped our hands at him. The first few tries he didn't think we were serious so he just ran a little bit away....finally we had to clap while running swiftly towards him. That would have scared anyone, he finally flew away. Not very far away...he knew our chubby-bubby butts wouldn't carry us very far. We knew he could fly so we released him on his own recognizance.

So, now we have a new patient/prisoner....

Our bedroom is in the basement. We have one of those big windows that looks out into a well. It's about 5 ft deep and the bottom of it is level with our window. Yesterday our Tiggy Boy alerted us to the fact that we had a visitor in the well. He is our little "well-watcher." Butchy investigated and said there was a little bird burrowed under the leaves. It appeared to be injured.

Our roommate had a bird cage so Butchy brilliantly cornered the bird so that its only option was to hop into the cage. So, we now have little Tibby convalescing with us.

We didn't know what kind of bird little Tibby (stands for Tiggy's Bird) and thought about taking him to a pet store so they could tell us. There was a gal at KFC that was wearing a sweatshirt with birds on it and birdhouse earrings....I felt it was a safe bet that she would know a little bit about birds. When we described Tibby to her she said he sounded like a sparrow. After looking on the internet we discovered he's a black throated sparrow.

Not Tibby.

We don't know how long Tibby will be residing with us. He's made himself right at home in his cage. He loves the bell hanging from the mirror, the little plushie and having all the seed and water he can handle. He may have to be moved to the dryer at night, Butchy doesn't enjoy his noisy antics in the middle of the night...even though we do cover him with a towel.

The fuzzy-babes (Lily Kid & Tiggy) are enjoying having their own captive food. Tibby couldn't care less about his audience....he's just a singing-swingin'-bird of joy.

Rape, love, etc.

I haven't been very interested in the whole Mary Kay Letourneau drama. If I don't know the whole story, I'm not gonna form an opinion either way. No, I don't think that 34 year old women should be having sex with 13 year old boys. I did have an opinion about that! But, now that Mary Kay & Vili Fualaau are planning their wedding....I didn't have any opinions on that.

Before reading the article my heart had always gone out to MK's husband and kids....now I just feel bad for the kids. The husband, Steve, he can go to hell. The kids are the true victims in this story....they lost their Mom for 7 1/2 years and they will forever pay consequences for their Mom's decisions. Being a kid is hard enough today without having your Mom labeled a child-rapist. I'd hate to hear the things that other kids have said to MK's kids....kids can be so unbelievably cruel!

If you want to form your own informed opinion you can click onthe title of this post and it will take you to the article on Court TV's Crime Library. Or....click here.

Blog Soldier....so far

As of this moment, 2:52 PM PST on 5/6/05, I have received more hits from Blog Soldier than from any of my other Traffic Surfers (Blogexplosion, Blogclicker & BlogXchange).

I surfed them all at the same time....I use the tab thingy on Netscape to do my surfing. Therefore, my highly scientific study concludes that Blog Soldier is a hit.....so far.

I'm Baaaack

I'm having a pity party....and you're not invited! I haven't blogged in 3 whole days and nobody checked to make sure I was still alive and breathing!

Remember how I mentioned a little problem with my gaping hole? Yeah...turns out it was INFECTED!!! Not only that, but in treating the infection those brainiacs gave me dry socket....me the Queen of Dry Socket! I have had 6 teeth pulled now...4 wisdom and a couple of bastard teeth. Every single tooth that I have had pulled developed dry socket. I'm not kidding...EVERY single one of those f'ers! For the record: I don't smoke, I don't drink carbonated beverages, and I don't suck on nothin'! There's absolutely no reason for me to get dry socket....except for the fact that my mouth HATES ME!!

So, I started feeling pretty good about this last extraction, thinking I might actually escape the horrors of dry socket....then the agonizing pain hit. So, for the past couple of days I've been making daily visits to the tooth torture chamber (aka: Dentist Office) to have my excruciatingly painful gaping hole packed with gauze soaked in clove oil designed to burn my lips off my face and the infection out of the gaping hole all while promoting growth to cure the dry socket. It hasn't been a barrel of giggles. In fact, it hurt too much to even look like I might want to giggle!

I'm now doing much better, thanks for asking. The gauze they tried to shove into the not-so-gaping-hole today has already fallen out.....the hole is closing and I can begin discovering all the activities that I will no longer be able to participate in. For example: no more chewing on my right side, I whistle worse than I did to start with....which means I can't whistle to save my life. Not that I ever was able to whistle....it's just now I can't even practice at it....it just ain't gonna happen. I don't know what else I won't be able to do....for now I'll just mourn the whistle I never had to begin with.

Traffic Jammin'

There's a new traffic cop in Blogger Town.....click on the graphic doo-dad or the post title. You can read all about it....I'm trying it out tonight for the first time...I'll let ya know what I think after I see my stats on StatCounter.com tomorrow.

I now return you to your life, I'm sure it's hella more exciting than mine.

Dance like ya mean it!

Found this....LOVE IT!!! Dance joyfully....that's my motto!
You've GOT to see this! Dancin'

A couple things:

It is entirely possible to put too much Hershey Syrup on ice cream! Who'da thunk it?

There's a comment on my Smiles post that I'm wondering about....I'm all for having your honey pot tickled, but do I want that mentioned in a post about Pooh Bear? That borders on Pooh abuse, if you ask me!

Clockmakers need to put a BIG A.M./P.M. on their clocks....that would keep me from waking up at 7 PM thinking it's 7 AM. I don't enjoy feeling disoriented. Just having a little light that's on when it's the AM is too confusing.....I can never remember what the little light means, and when I do think I know....I'm ALWAYS wrong. (yes, another one of my many issues.)

2 Sausage & Egg Croissanwiches with ice cream drowning in Hershey Syrup....breakfast of champions? I'm not one of those fatties that wonders how they gain weight....just try to tell me they aren't eating like a hollow-legged teenage boy when noone's looking! Puh...leez!

My sleeping pattern right now is all kinds of screwy....sleep between 3 & 5 or 6 AM...then wide awake...then back to sleep around noon until 5 or 6 PM.....GOD, I NEED A LIFE!!! Waking up in pain....loads of fun!

Speaking of pain....Kim you might want to stop reading right about now.....I think the Dentist cracked my jaw! Here I thought she was just a wonderful gal with a wonderful chair-side-manner......now I'm thinking she's a quack and needs to be shot! I'm discovering that most of my pain is not coming from the gaping hole, but instead, the big crater in front of the gaping hole and the "crack" that goes up to my eye socket! I don't really know how to explain what I'm talking about, I kept trying to get Butchy to understand and she wasn't really able to until I forced her to stick her finger in my mouth! I've never experienced anything like this. I've never even heard of anyone having something like this happen!
I put my finger on the place where it hurts and underneath my gum I feel a line....a crack or something...the goes straight up. It's right above the gaping hole, in the front. All of my teeth from my front right tooth back hurt....only the ones on top, though. I'm going to go park my chubby-bubby-butt at the dentist's office today and stronly encourage them to take a look at the "fault line" in my mouth! I'm also gonna get me some more drugs! What sucks is that my mouth hurts more now than it did when I had the obnoxious tooth in there! What's up with that shit? I went from one tooth buggin' me to 6 teeth and my jaw! GRRRRRRRRR
Here's my proof that I'm in now way, shape or form an artist....it's also my attempt to explain what the hell I'm talking about:

Front right tooth: my right, your left.

Now you can see why I'll never be a technical manual writer! I suck!

I'll definitely be posting about my adventures into Dentist land today.....they better give me some really good drugs, that's all I can say!!!!

What the.....???? What nerve!

How dare Jennifer Wilbanks not be dead!!!! I mean, really! She should be dead, buried in a shallow grave near her jogging route, and her fiance should be guilty of the crime......isn't THAT the American Way??? I mean, come on! As an American you don't have the right to just take off. Disappearing is NOT something that is allowed! It's just NOT PROPER!!! Be like zillions of other American women with cold feet and just go through with the over priced ceremony....that's what alcohol and valium are for! Sheesh! What is the world coming to!?!

No, it wasn't "cool" for her to cause her loved ones and friends anguish....or to say that she was abducted....but, we are talking about a gal who went to extremes in her attempt to escape her life. That should clue someone in that all is not well in Jennifer's world.

My heart goes out to her. She didn't do this to be evil....to get attention....to take part in some sort of a conspiracy.....she was running away from her life. Isn't that something we have all wished for a time or two?

When I Grow Up

I'm gonna......

...go on Survivor. I'll pull my hair back with a barrette made out of flint, wear alllll my clothes from the first day we all meet (I figure 3 bikini's, rain poncho, military khaki's with tons of pockets, hiking boots, and new eyeglasses with glass lenses)......the eyeglasses will be for making fire in case my barrette isn't allowed. I'm not gonna bother taking undies....I'll be living in my bikinis. (when I grow up I'm gonna have a kick ass bod!)

...speak Spanish & French fluently. English is just so limited.

...be a writer for CSI or Law & Order. I'll have main characters play double roles....they'll be wearing awesome disguises...you won't know if they will be the witness, in the jury box, the perp (cop word for bad guy), victim....it will be something else to figure out other than just "who done it." I got this idea from CSI: Las Vegas' show on Thurs night....their was a guy in the loony-bin that was an older version of Warrick....I got to thinking how cool would it be if, without telling the audience, they started having their main characters play numerous roles??? I know, I'm a freakin' genius!

...invent practical thingys that will enhance our lives. I have some ideas in my head that are soooo cool....too bad a patent costs like a bajillion bucks!

...master the fine art of making the perfect pie crust. I don't like pie....I love the filling, but the crust tends to royally suck. I want a pie crust that is like a croissant...melts in my mouth, rather than the gummy ones I usually end up with. I wonder if you can use croissant dough to make a pie??? Hmmmm....I will ponder this ad nauseum (I think this means until it nauseates me or anyone close to me). I looked it up and here's the definition: ad nauseam: So as to disgust or nauseate. That works!

...have a tighter bladder and a looser sphincter....I love the word sphincter..... it's not that I want to be pooping myself, far from it! I just don't want to be a tight ass....except for in the hard body kind of way.

...become a tubthumper. "Pissin' the night away....."

...eat less, not less chocolate...less of the other stuff like protein, veggies, all the boring stuff.

...be a woman of mystery....I'll start now and not tell you how I'll go about this...how's that for a mystery.

...not be so easily distrac

Drive-by Smiling

When it is just as easy to leave a happy comment...and make a new friend in the process...why do some miserable folks still insist on leaving mean hateful comments? Here's a blog that is all about spreading the smiles......it's worth checking out!

The Complimenting Commenter

Committing random acts of kindness.....now online!