Wednesday, March 30, 2005
No, don't blow sunshine up my bum....it's true...I suck! If there was a time-out corner for bloggers....that's where I'd be, counting the bumps on the wall, staring at the bumps to make my eyes water, holding my breath and counting 1, 1000, 2, 1000, 3, 1000...you get the picture. I wouldn't wipe snot on the wall....that's just wrong. So, back to me sucking.....
I've been in a reading mood more than a writing mood lately. I wrote the first little bit of my book that's been brewing for ages....and now I find myself avoiding blogging cuz the story is too personal. No, I didn't kill him...but, everything else in the book will be based on actual events in my life. You can read what I've written so far here. I need to give myself a break...or maybe that should be brake? Allow myself to not write until I'm ready to. The only pressure I'm under is pressure I've put myself under......that's a lot of unders!!
Something I'm pondering....do most people spell masturbation m-a-s-t-e-r-bation...because they've mastered it? Yeah, my pondering-barrel is pretty dry right now. I'm off to bed...that's where I do my best pondering. I'll try to remember what it was I pondered so I can share my wealth of knowledge.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Butt Paper...aka: Toilet Paper
I got this in an email today....Dawn must be feeling pretty bored!
Have any of you ever noticed what is printed on toilet paper? Toilet paper is sooo lame - bows, flowers and butterflys. I've never seen any with fish or teddybears. How manly are bows? And like with paper towels...do you pick out tp for the print? Just curious. True - there are those brands that are plain and thank God for that....
Think about it....
For the record...I don't use tp...I use babywipes.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I have no clue what Fahrenheit 451 is......I'd rather say what tree I'd want to be....there are just too many good books out there....but, I wouldn't want to be owned by a smoker...their books stink.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
You mean other than the Pillsbury Dough Boy? I'm pretty partial to Jack Ryan in Tom Clancy's books....or John Clark....I think I like JC even more than JR.
The last book you bought is:
Total Control by David Baldacci...that was one of 'em I got at the local 2nd-read bookstore. There were 7 or more others, as well.
The last book you read:
Lord of the Rings...for my 3rd time! I was book-desperate!
What are you currently reading?
Oct 2004 Reader's Digest, The Secret on Ararat (Tim LaHaye & some dude I've never heard of), The Wedding (Danielle Steel)
Five books you would take to a deserted island.
The newest Jack Ryan, Jr. book by Tom Clancy
newest Alex & Milo adventure by Jonathan Kellerman
newest John Grisham
newest in the Left Behind series...the prequel to the series by Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins
newest Debbie Macomber Cedar Cove series
by "newest" I mean their next books to come out....I'm caught up with most of these authors as of today.
NOT The Lord of the Rings....I'm done with that for another year, or 5!!
I would, also, take the Pern books by Anne McCaffrey....I read too fast to only take 5 books...unless I'm gonna only be there for 7 days, or less.
Hope I did ok with my first tag. If not, who cares? I'll get better with more experience. Just don't forget the lube next time!
Get a load of this! I can't believe it. When I first saw the site I thought it would be another Fundamentalist-keep-your-legs-crossed-until marriage site.....Jesus H. Christ, was I wrong! (the H stands for Harold...you already knew that, right? You know, as in: "Hark the Harold Angels Sing" Harold is Jesus' nickname and this was His Holy Posse.)
Let me just state for all those wondering....I find this teaching to be a load of horny-man-crap!
Monday, March 21, 2005
Not all who wander are lost....JRR Tolkien
Just the idiot driving 10 mph in front of you!....Me
Wanna know how fast you type? It's a short test....no 3 minute test here! Just in case you're wondering....click the title.
The flu-bug has been replaced by the writing-bug. I've started writing short stories and maybe one that will end up being the "great American novel." I'd love to hear your opinions and compliments.....especially compliments! Please, be nice. I don't want to have to mention how mean so-&-so was to me before I was a famous author. Knowing me, I probably will name names! So...BE NICE!!
Just click on the title to go to my new page!
Sunday, March 20, 2005
In the name of Jesus!
There is NO phone call more important than my life!
Click to enlarge.....if you actually want to read the "rules"
10 seconds, maybe even less, into doing this "exercise" and I was looking around the room.....I have issues.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Put a lime in da Coke, ya nut....
Coca Cola hates me. For 2 days now this song has been going through my head!! I'm even dreaming about it!
Put a lime in da Coke, ya nut.....
This is what I refer to as an "anti-sanity song." (ass) One of those tunes that just jams itself into your brain and never lets go. Mazda's "zoom, zoom, zoom" is another "ass." Someone please unplug my brain!!
Put a lime in da Coke, ya nut....
What are your "ass" songs?
The adventures of Sophie, the dog, and Doug, the kid, give me the giggles on a daily basis!
Not for the Fundamentalist Christian, frigid, anal, or easily offended!
The perfect divorce/separation letter....if you want to stay divorced/separated!
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you.
I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So, we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Friday, March 18, 2005
We're so proud!
Click to enlarge
The pride is just overwhelming. Not many can say that their blogs have appeared on Google under the search terms "Put in the Toilet." That's right! "PUT IN THE [FREAKING] TOILET" There are so many that we wish to thank for this great honor.....they're all in the potty at the moment, so we'll thank 'em later. After they've washed their hands, of course.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Child Molester? YAY!! Gay? NAY!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
The article below was found here.
In one of the silliest examples of political correctness in years, a poster company has changed one of the greatest album covers in music history. The cover of the Beatles' 1969 album Abbey Road (above) features Paul McCartney holding a cigarette. In a new poster edition of the cover (below), it's been removed. [I've put a red box around the portion of the image in question.]
A spokeman for Apple Records (the label that the group founded) told the BBC: "We have never agreed to anything like this. It seems these poster companies got a little carried away. They shouldn't have done what they have, but there isn't much we can do about it now."
I'm not in any way, shape or form a fan of smoking....in fact, I'm passionately against it. But, this is absolutely ridiculous. What's gonna be next? Are they gonna "pretty up" pics of 9/11? How about the crucifixion? That's not very "pc," maybe they should take Christ off the cross. Let's not stop at pics....let's "pretty up" some books....Lord of the Rings has a lot of smoking in it....let's remove it! I haven't seen the movies, yet...maybe they already have.
The world is not always a pretty place....thanks to self-proclaimed censors, it will be now!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
The worst book ever written, aka: Outerbridge Reach is still sitting on our coffee table. Since I think that this is the WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN why can't I just toss it in the garbage? I have issues. There are certain items I have a really hard time throwing away. Obviously, books are on that list. Also, plants...even if they are dead! Much to Butchy's frustration magazines are on the list as well. They are just too much like books! She doesn't see the value in lugging my box of old magazines along when we move. Who knows, maybe they'll increase in value over time. I know....probably not. But but, but.....oh hell, I guess I'll have to toss my O's, Good Housekeepings, Rosies and Reader's Digests someday. For now I'm using the excuse that there are articles I need to keep for future reference and recipes I need to make. Whether I ever read those articles or make those recipes is NOT the point. They are there if I should ever want to! It's genetic....my Mom cannot throw out yogurt, cottage cheese, margarine & sour cream containers. In her world, they are free Tupperware. We joke about my inheriting all her containers when she dies. Knowing me, if they came from Mom, they'll be priceless and will be in my cupboards right beside the Rubbermaid and Tupperware containers I currently have. Hopefully Butchy will read this and will throw away that horrid book for me. I can't ask her to do it cuz then I'm perpetuating the tossing of a book.....that's a crime in my world! She has to make sure I'm not watching, though....I may feel the need to "rescue" that horrid awful book. Such idiocy is my life.
Chillin' Like a Pink- Polyester- Wearin'- Villain!
Rock 'n' Rolled Up
I want, I want, I want!!!!
I saw this on Ellen and loved it!
Too bad it costs more than $5.95,
that's about all we could afford right now.
I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a....doomed!!!
I'm doomed. I've been brainwashed by the best of 'em. Therefore, I am 100% D-O-O-M-E-D. Growing up in my "Leave it to God" household anything and everything that could possibly have a "Biblical bent" does. So how does this effect my life now? It's little things like the word cavalry
.....I never read it as cavalry
. It is ALWAYS calvary
, of course! "Years I spent in vanity and pride, caring not my Lord was crucified, knowing not it was for me He died, on C A L V A R Y."
Yes, this song ALWAYS
goes through my head when I attempt to read/decipher the word cavalry. It's how I figure out if it's the cross of calvary or the cavalry used to save the day (rather than my soul).
Then there's fundamentals
....I've posted about this before, you can read it here.
Fundamentals = Fundamentalist in my poor brainwashed mind. There's the word moody
....in our home that meant D.L. Moody, who founded Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL. We loved their magazine...Moody Monthly. They have since changed the name to Moody Magazine. Thus, eliminating our oh so funny
joke...."Do you get Moody Monthly?" It doesn't help that I attended Moody Bible Institute's Center for External Studies here in Spokane. Having to write that whole name out on applications can sure make me moody!!
I'm sure there are many other ways in which I am doomed....it's making me tired trying to think of them all. It's naptime....catch ya later.
100 Things about someone else
This is the best 100 Things About Me lists that I've read, so far! I haven't decided yet if I'm going to do one. It seems like such a chore!
- My name is Matthew Baldwin!
- I live in Seattle!
- I was born in 1971!
- I am married!
- I have a son!
- I have two cats!
- This site was largely inspired by Mighty Girl Cardhouse, and MetaFilter!
- I spent two years in Bolivia as a Peace Corps Volunteer!
- My favorite movie is "2001: a Space Odyssey"!
- My favorite band is Sleater-Kinney!
- My favorite mixed drink is the margarita!
- My favorite tv show is, uh, actually I don't watch much tv. Scratch that one.
- Sleater-Kinney isn't really my favorite band, either. It's just what I happen to be listening to right now and I kinda blurted it out. Maybe they're my favorite band, I dunno.
- My favorite punctuation mark is the exclamation point!
- Jesus Christ. 100 things?
- What the hell was I thinking?
- Oh yeah, here's another one: I'm a programmer!
- I spend my days, you know. Programming!
- My favorite ice cream is chocolate!
- All right, how many do I have left? Let's see, I've done 1, 2, 3, mmmmmm, shit! I hafta do, like, 80 more!
- I, uh, I like the Internet!
- I have a bus pass!
- I'm wearing pants!
- Screw this. I'm going to go look at porn.
Gold found....and shared
As a child there was a book that Mama used to read to me. In the book was a poem that I still remember to this day....100's of years later!
Jesus wants us all to share, When my brother and I would get sick we'd change gladness to sickness. We actually changed gladness to a lot of different words. But this is not the point of this post.
Spreading gladness everywhere.
This post is to share with you some pretty cool sites I've found to track visitors to my site and to track who's linking to me. Both were from Queenie. One was in advice received from her and the other I stole off her site....I'm sure she won't mind!
Find out who is linking to your site.
SiteCounter tracks your visitors.
Nude sex with Lindsey Britney Paris & Friends
Made ya look!
Actually this post is in honor of my favoritest person in Oak Harbor, WA.....now that I've been cured from of bad case of braindeadedness.....here's a pic of where Queenie went stationary-snowboarding. Read her blog to find out what that's all about!
Dis-crim-in-ation....keep in rhythm....count off....
Excerpt from the article: Supporters of same-sex marriage said they are prepared for a lengthy appeal process, but described Kramer's ruling as an unqualified victory. They compared it to the 1948 state Supreme Court decision that made California the first state to legalize interracial marriage.
This is what I've been comparing the Gay Marriage Fight (GMF) to all along. Back in the 1940's comments were made that if they allowed mix races to marry what next? Men marrying their dogs? Women marrying their horses? Puh-leze! How about we make laws that state one consenting adult marrying another consenting adult. I don't even care if they allow one man to marry 55 wives.....as long as he can support them without going on welfare. Then they can focus on fighting the young girls being forced to marry child molesters in Utah. I think there are more pressing issues than whether I marry a woman that I love, or a man that I don't give a rat's ass about. Since heteros have not perfected marriage and, up until the GMF, had no interest in protecting the sanctity of marriage.....they can all bugger off! I've said it once and I'll say it again...because I can....if you really want to protect the sanctity of marriage outlaw adultery & divorce. Pretty simple solution.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Sex, drugs & rock 'n roll
We interrupt this blog to bring you the latest update on my life:
Legal drugs only
No rock 'n roll
And I can't even say, "well, at least, I've got my health!"
That about sums up my sad existence. If it weren't for chocolate, Zoloft & Zyrtec-D I'd probably be feeling the sadness. Instead, I'm feeling the overwhelming need for a nap.
We now return you to your better life currently in progress.
Queenie has Nude Pics of Britney & Paris and her dog, Toto, too!
Queenie responded to my last post with some great advice. I, quick as my chubby-bubby self could, checked out her blog. I got so into reading it I forgot to follow her advice....DUH!! "Hi! My name is Kat and I'm a dork!"
Here's her awesome advice:
Make Friends. Go to other people's blogs and tell them they're cool, comment a lot, and make your own blogroll of people who you think are cool. I have found that lots of blog writers reciprocate the kindness exhibited to them by others.
That, or dedicate an entire entry to screaming things like PARIS HILTON NUDE! BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE! WATERSPORTS! SPANKINGS! LEDERHOSEN! :)
I swear on my Pooh mug that any future advice will be followed to the best of my chubby-bubby abilities!
H E L P!!!
How does a gal get more traffic to her blog?? How do YOU do it? If ya got some good tips, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share them with me. Thanks, in advance!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Blackjack!....no, wait...I mean POKER!
I used to be a bigtime blackjack fan....I loved yelling blackjack! Lately I've been watching a lot of poker on tv. Full Tilt
is now my favoritest poker site....I miss the yelling. When I become a poker pro....now don't go pissing on my parade, Mr. Pissy Pants, I'm gonna be a poker pro whether you like it, or not!....when I'm sitting across the table from "The Phils"....Phil Gordon and Phil Ivey... I'm gonna start a new poker-trend. I'm gonna yell, "Poker!" whenever I win a hand. It's short, 2 syllables (just like blackjack!) and it's gonna catch on....just you wait and see.
Another trend I'm gonna start is wearing a visor with a tiara on it......just like the rodeo princess with her tiara on her cowboy hat....I'll be The Poker Pryncess. I need to find some dark sunglasses, too. Maybe I'll create my own....maybe like those old lady sunglasses that they wear over their eyeglasses. They'll be a real dark color that will match my visor...but you won't be able to see my eyes, nonreflective...don't want anyone seeing my cards!...and will have crystals all the way around....now that's class! Don't go stealing my idea, Mr. Copycat! I know you want to. Now I just need to find a SugarDaddy....or a job. A SugarDaddy just sounds like more fun...as long as there's no sex involved. I'll just be his trophy-poker-playin'-Pryncess. I just don't want to lose my own
money, of course!
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it.
213 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO BY THE U.S. ARMY:
1. Not allowed to watch South Park when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake a Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist storm trooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!' while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Black Hawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Wunt Frahhs Wi-eth Thaaat?
Look Who's Talking at the Drive-Through
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - McDonald's Corp. wants to outsource your neighborhood drive-through. The world's largest fast-food chain said on Thursday it is looking into using remote call centers to take customer orders in an effort to improve service at its drive-throughs.
"If you're in L.A.... and you hear a person with a North Dakota accent taking your order, you'll know what we're up to," McDonald's Chief Executive Jim Skinner told analysts at the Bear Stearns Retail, Restaurants & Apparel Conference in New York. Call center professionals with "very strong communication skills" could help boost order accuracy and ultimately speed up the time it takes customers to get in and out of the drive-throughs, the company said.
First of all.....isn't it the Drive-Thru? That is the way ALL their signs read...... I know, that is soooo not the point. Anyway.....as long as they keep their value menu and their prices where they are now.....unless they would consider lowering their prices, yeah...I didn't think so.......I don't care who I talk to when I use the drive-thru as long as they speak ENGLISH!! Driving from Spokane to Portland I was shocked by the McD's and Burger King's that had spanish speakers ONLY!! "Did I take a wrong turn and end up in Tijuana? I don't remember driving 1,000's of miles out of my way!"
It probably wouldn't be a good idea to use the southern states for this, either.......southerners talk slower which would be great, except for the accent. "Wunt frahhs wi-ith thaaaat?" Also, what about the cultural differences? Up here in the Inland Northwest we call carbonated drinks pop......or soda.....down south it's all called Coke. Luckily McD's only serves Coke products. Then there's the habit up here of wanting tartar or ranch with our fries.....how does that translate down south? It took me a good 10 mins to convince the gal at Waffle House in Georgia that I know I didn't order any "fee-ish" but that I wanted tartar sauce for my fries! There was definitely a language/cultural barrier.
I'm going to keep tabs on what happens with this breaking-news-story........stay tuned to the McD's drive-thru near you!
Friday, March 11, 2005
In the eyes of someone struck with the icky-tummy flu bug Dawn's post came across as an ad for either condoms or good parenting skills. Here's her actual post:
Teeth are such an important part of our lives, and neglecting them makes life soo much worse, both financially and personally. I got the opportunity this week to shine the light on this area of my life that needs correcting.
Ok, now go back and read it again....only this time substitute the word 'Teeth' with 'Teen.' Isn't it odd how it still makes sense? It also adds a little humor. (Click on the post to read it in its' entirety)
It is amazing how our minds can read something totally different than what our eyes are seeing. Kind of like when our mouths are saying one thing and our minds are thinking something completely different. Don't even try to persuade me that this has never happened to you!! I know better than that!
All this reminds me of an email I received. At first glance it looks like gobbledy-gook (It's a good thing I am fluent in gobbledy-gook.). But, our minds, being the incomprehensible wastelands that they are can actually read this gobbledy-gook and translate it into English (which I'm also fluent in!).
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthint a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
And now a Word from our Creator.....
I saw this years ago and it touched my soul. Surfing tonight I was led to it again. It's like a lost treasure. If you know nothing else about me, know that I believe in God. It may not be the God of my forefathers, but He's MY God. I'll clarify that statement another time.
And now a Word from my Creator: The Interview With God
Blog, hog, rog, dog, log, gog....
I'm so full of knowledge and crap from surfing blogs I think I'm gonna puke. I've read: the left, the right, the smart, the not-so-smart, the depressed, the passionate, the dying, the dead, the hi-tech, the lo-tech, the red, the blue, the young, the restless.........you name it, I've read it. All I have to say about it all is my head is still full of snot, my throat still has a river of phlegm & I haven't saved any money on car insurance! I'm calling the gecko........
Roommate from Mormon hell
As I have mentioned in previous posts we have a roommate that is a buttass-wipe. I'll call this loser Leland....only because...well...that's his name.
First some background: Butchy and I are renting a room and part of the basement from Jerry. We found him through the local MCC church. He not only opened his home to us he also helped us move our stuff in! He's wonderful. Already living in the home with Jerry was 2 other guys. (Eugene & Leland) Shortly after moving in Eugene showed his true-thieving-colors and was asked to leave. With him gone we figured all would be grand.
All was grand, until we realized that Leland never picks up after himself. This guy isn't a kid....he's over 35!! It's not like he just left home. He expects Jerry to wash any dishes he uses and us to clean the bathroom. There are only the 3 of us using the bathroom downstairs. He figures that he shouldn't have to clean the bathroom since he never uses the shower. Supposedly he uses the shower at the gym. He forgets about how he pees all over the walls, the toilet and even the garbage can next to the toilet!
We presented him with a deal.....we'd keep cleaning the bathroom and he would provide the toilet paper. Now only Butchy uses the tp.....I use baby wipes. He made a stink about how he only uses 3-ply tp and that it's too expensive for him to share it. So, we told him that he can start cleaning the bathroom then. Oh, no! That would mean he would have to pay a couple hundred dollars on cleaning products! Can you believe that shit?? I told him to go to W*M and spend $5 on a product that would clean and disinfect everything. That is beneath him, I guess. We're now on strike when it comes to cleaning up his pissy messes. What's sad is that it probably doesn't bother him one bit. What a pig! One good thing about him is that he does wash his hands after using the bathroom.....that's the ONLY good thing about him. He's not picky about what he uses to wipe his hands off. Recently he was using Butchy's bathtowel....that went over like a wet fart in church. He doesn't feel he should have to provide a towel for himself. After using up all our barsoap he now provides his own soap....little motel-sized bars. Cheap bastard.
Sometime in the near future I'll tell you all about his noseyness. Talk about a nosey-nessie!
He's the reason Butchy and I are now sick. He brought it home and it's the only thing he has ever shared with us. Noone ever taught the ass stain to cover his mouth when he coughs.
I know his Mormonism has nothing to do with his retardation......at least, I hope it doesn't!....I've known herds of wonderful Mormon families. None of them were as freaky as Leland. I'm thinking he's more dumbass-militia than family centered Mormon. Why does one guy need a case of 3-ply toilet paper?? Or 25 gallons of icecream?? Guy's a whacko!
I think I'm vented out now.......
Thursday, March 10, 2005
I was so worried!!
Fiddy & Game Squash Feud
This is another one of those newsreports that cause me to say, "who cares?" Does anyone care about the feud we have with our buttass roommate? The only thing we want to sqash is his face in one of those car crushers. Does that make me sound violent? Who cares?!?
I'm still cracking up over this fun activity! Check out Scott's idea involving a squirt gun and some hand lotion.
Today has been spent surfing blogs and combing out the rats nest that I call my hair. It's pretty sad that even my hair got a cold!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Japanese Siblings Live With Dead Parent
TOKYO - Police on Tuesday questioned three siblings after it was discovered they had been living with the decomposed corpse of their father for nearly a decade, an official said.
Police found the body of Kyujiro Kanaoka lying on a futon bed at the family's home in Itami city in Hyogo prefecture in western Japan, said a prefectural police spokesman, who declined to be identified.
Kanaoka's three elderly children, all in their 70s or older, told police they thought their father was still alive but that one of them recently had consulted a relative about the possibility that he might be dead, the spokesman said.
Police were investigating the cause of Kanaoka's death. Judging from the condition of his decomposed body, Kanaoka may have died as long as 10 years ago, the spokesman said.
Had he been alive, the man would be 107 years old. Hyogo prefecture had registered Kanaoka as its oldest living resident, public broadcaster NHK said. Didn't they notice that he NEVER moved??? Did the "kids" think Dad was on a hunger strike? There are just sooooo many questions this brings to mind! I'm gonna go poke my Dad with a stick he's been sitting in that recliner for a long time.
Guess it's a slow newsday if Clinton's scar tissue removal is newsworthy. I just don't want to hear about it. Next thing ya know Hillary will be having a brazilian wax job and George W will be having his colonoscopy televised. I can just imagine Geraldo discussing with great interest and enthusiasm what will be found up G W's ass. Just more of the same shit that spews out of our wonderful Prez's mouth.
Where is that number for info on moving to Canada?
I see dead cats
I've been dreaming a lot about our Pud-Pud that we had to put to sleep. Maybe it's the drugs I'm on. It's weird, though. In my dreams I'm so happy to see her at first, then it's like our putting her to sleep was a dream and I have to do it all over again. These drugs suck! I want better dreams! That would be a great pill! Dream Extreme Makeover...in a pill! I'll take a case of them. It's an untapped market. Too bad I don't know any pharmaceutical type people......need to add that to my list of types of people I want to know.
Just gotta smack 'em!
There are certain types of people that bring about in me a desire for violence. People that I just want to smack their flippin' faces off! Here's some of my list:
* brats....those who feel the need to let the world know that they are a brat. It's similar to those that get drunk then feel the need to advertise it. Who cares if you're a brat? Do you think that's a good thing and that there are poor bratless people envying your brattiness? It just ain't so.
* dimplies...... those who believe that their dimples allow them to be cruel and unfeeling without any consequences. Let me clear things up for you.....I will shove your dimples into the back of your skull if you mouth off to me!
* cutesies.....this could also be in reference to the dimpled idjits. Cute does not cover a multitude of sins. Just cuz you're cute while being a skanky bitch does not make you any less skanky bitchy!
* gigglers......all I can do is mock them! They are so fake and so irritating. It would be a great service to the planet if someone just hauled off and smacked them a good one upside the head. Bet that would cure their giggles!
* know-it-alls.....love being around someone who thinks they know it all, they soon find out they know nothing and I know all! I just make sure I only open my mouth when it's a subject that I do know about! Keeps me from having my face smacked off!
* kidders.....listen, just cuz you said you're kidding doesn't make what you said any less hurtful! It just means you're cruel and a coward. If you're gonna say something mean, be willing to defend your comment!
* burners......don't we just love being around people who are putting others down constantly? Especially when it's you they're putting down? All I find myself thinking is that they must think a lot of me if they have to put me down to bring me down to their gutter level.
ok, I'm done venting. Don't know where this wild hair came from. It could just be that I'm feeling a little cranky. The lung chunks I'm coughing up are fewer and farther between now. Maybe I'll be able to clench my bladder better now. I just love it when I've got lung chunks spewing out my mouth and pee dribbling down my legs! Party on!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Blogging, coughing & Lord of the Rings
Blogging has not been a priority lately. I'm much too busy focusing on coughing up lung chunks. Butchy and I are too sick to do much of anything. Coughing has become quite the workout for us. One good coughing fit and it's time for a nap. Getting off the couch to use the restroom seems to be more than I am capable of.....I only do it cuz the couch isn't covered in plastic and I hate having a wet bum.
We're now on antibiotics and some cough syrup with codeine in it. There's magic happening here, that's for sure. Love that codeine stuff! Yesterday was our Dr's appointment.....we were tempted to call in sick. The thought of going to the Dr was more than either of us could bear. The only reason we ended up going was for the drugs.
Our lungs sounds wheezy. We were both aware of that cuz our lung wheezes wake us up. We sound like 60 year old fat men. We'll try our hardest to stay away from polyester leisure suits.
I've been so desperate for another book to read that I'm now reading Lord of the Rings for the 3rd time! The book has all 3 in one. Probably good that I don't have a new book to read....don't think I could follow a new storyline right now.
I feel a coughing fit coming on......better head for bed.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Lion, Lamb, whatever
According to some old wives, or was it old farmers?, March roars in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.......I don't really see that happening weather-wise. It does seem to be happening health-wise. We have the major coughing-up-lung-chunks crud. It's a lot of fun, let me tell ya! As long as the stuff is coming up, rather than staying in it should all be good, right? Well, as long as it's really not lung-chunks, then that would be bad.
Things are changing in my personal life.....let me pause for a moment here. Personal life? as opposed to what? I don't have a professional life. Even if I did have a professional life, wouldn't that still be my personal life? Isn't ANY life I have my own person's life, therefore, my PERSONAL life?? Or does personal life really mean my secret life? The life I'm not gonna talk about to the lady in the checkout line? It makes me sound so mysterious. I think I like the intrigue! Ok, hit play again.......
Previously on Kat's Secret Life: She stated that things are changing in her personal life.
In tonight's episode: Kat and Butchy make better friends than enemies. At least, we hope we do. Wouldn't it suck if you came to realize that you make better enemies with someone than friends? All hope would be lost. But, that's a rabbit trail that I'm hopping off of.
Butchy and I are no longer planning a future as a couple. We're gonna stay together as roommates as we disentangle the web that we have been weaving for the past 3+ years. "Ours" becoming "hers" and "mine." Emotions are on a rollercoaster. If we could flip a switch and not be in love with each other it would sure make things a lot easier. We are learning the painful truth that there are people who love each other very much, that just aren't a good combination. We're like Dawn dishsoap and bleach.....great on our own, but you mix us together and we're toxic.
My overwhelming emotion is sadness. March is roaring in like a sad lion....hopefully it will go out like a gentle peaceful lamb.