"Arrested Arrested????"

It's time for me to open up. I'm not the innocent Pryncess you all think I am. I'm the proud owner of a sordid past. "Did you just say you're proud of your sordid past?" Yes, Ms. Judgemental...I did. It gives my life texture. Texture is a necessity if you endeavor to have a wonderfully interesting and full life. That's the end of my Texture Lecture. I could go on and on...but, I'm just filling space....it's time for me to move on to my confession.

Dec. 30th, 1996 around 7 in the evening, I was trying to find a church that I had never been to. It's true...a church! The church was hosting a concert that I had volunteered to help out with. In "those days" I was part of People for Christ Ministries....a group that brought in Christian artists and produced wonderful concerts. Through this group I met so many fantastically talented and just plain really nice Christian singers and bands. I'm not gonna talk about the jerks I met....I'll save that for another post.

Before I make my confession there's some info you MUST have....I have night blindness. Headlights from approaching cars blind me. I shouldn't be allowed to drive at night. It's gotten worse over the years, so now I do all I can to NOT drive at night. That's it for info. I was heading North on Argonne....knew my turn was coming up, but there was construction going on and I couldn't figure out what lane I was s'posed to be in or if I was really supposed to turn right onto Mission.....I decided at the last moment to turn on Mission. I turned right....next thing I knew I had bright flashing lights in my rearview mirror blinding me. I pulled off the road and into Ace Hardware's parking lot. (Insert suspense-filled music here)

After positioning their spotlights to blind me and approaching my car cautiously, the nice Sheriff's Deputy requested my driver's license and registration. He informed me that I was pulled over for not stopping at a red light before turning. His partner was hovering on the passenger side of my little '85 Chevy Spectrum piece-of-crap. I have been taught that when you're pulled over keep your hands on the steering wheel and before moving them let the officer know what I would be doing. I then informed Mr. Deputy that my registration was in my glove box, he let his partner know......unfortunately, I jerked the glove box open....out of the gb poured pads and tampos. They were flying all over the floor and the passenger seat. Better watch it Mr. D I'll pull a tampon on you! Yeah, that's me...Ms. Danger...living on the edge.....whatever.

So, after covering the passenger side in feminine products I finally found my registration. Then came the year long wait....if you have to wait over 5 minutes that can't be good. My wait was about 20 - 30 minutes. 1/2 an hour after cleaning out my glove box there was a tow truck backing up to my car....sooooo not a good sign!!! Mr. D came back to my car and asked me to get out cuz I was under arrest.

"What!?!? Arrest?"
"Yes, Pryncess (not the actual name he called me....duh!). You are under arrest for driving on a suspended license."
"Arrested arrested?"
Holding back a chuckle..."Yes, ma'am...arrested, arrested."
"Arrested, arrested?!?" Panic is now invading my tone....and my tummy.
Holding back a big ol' guffaw..."Yes, ma'am...arrested, arrested."
"Arrested, arrested? For real?"
This time he didn't bother answering me.

As the tow truck began loading up my precious piece-of-crap car, Mr. D led me back to his not-a-piece-of-crap-Sheriff-car. Still standing outside the car, he asked me if I had any weapons or sharp objects on me....then he told me to get in the backseat. Before getting into his rolling jail I asked him if he wanted to frisk me....nope, he just wanted me to get in.

WAIT A MINUTE HERE MR. D.....I'M A FAITHFUL COPS WATCHER....I KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FRISK ME!!! GODDAMMIT...IF I'M ARRESTED ARRESTED, I WANNA BE FRISKED!!! AND WHERE ARE THE HANDCUFFS??? HOW CAN I BE ARRESTED ARRESTED WITHOUT BEING FRISKED OR HANDCUFFED??? I WAS BEING ROBBED!!! This was gonna prob'ly be my only time to be arrested arrested...I wanted the full experience! See what I mean about being robbed....harrrumph!

So, now I'm sitting in the backseat listening to Mr. D teaching Mr. Newbie Deputy how to fill out all the paperwork. Mr. D handed me a clipboard with a ticket on it for me to sign....then...THEN...THEN THEN THEN....he ASKED ME....get a load of this....HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME WHERE I WANTED TO BE DROPPED OFF AT!?!?!? What a crock! I asked...just to be completely sure....."I've been arrested arrested, right?" At this point Mr. D is no longer holding anything back....he's laughing so hard he's bent over almost in 1/2. "Pryncess, you are really arrested arrested." That was said by Mr. Newbie, Mr. D was incapacitated with laughter.

"You're just going to drop me off somewhere? I'm not going to jail? I'm arrested arrested?"

"No, you're not going to jail. We don't see you as a threat to society."

"You don't know me very well!" More laughter, this time from both of them.

"Where would you like us to drop you off?"

There was a Holiday convenience store across the street.....after they could see clearly enough to drive (tears from laughter was the only weapon I had, I guess.) they dropped me off at Holiday. They both apologized for ruining my night...I think I made their year! They were both laughing so hard they couldn't even say anything when they dropped me off, they just waved as they drove away.

Shortly after they drove away, I realized another way that I was robbed from the full experience.....THEY NEVER MIRANDIZED ME!!!!! I never got the right to remain silent!! Nothing I said could be used against me in a court of law.....no attorney...no understanding these rights....NOTHING!!! Talk about being royally gypped!!!!

In the end my driving on a suspended license was dropped to driving without a license because I proved to the prosecutor that I had no knowledge about the supension. The notice was sent to the wrong address. It all stemmed from a speeding ticket that I had gotten in a different county that I had paid and the payment was applied to the wrong person.

I'm still upset about not getting the full deal.....not that I wanted to go to jail...but, if you're truly arrested arrested you should, AT THE VERY LEAST, get mirandized, frisked and handcuffed!!! sheeeeeeesh!!! In the end, I didn't even get a record. Not that I wanted one...but...well, you know.