Sunday, July 27, 2008

Don't Forget to Remember Me

My Mama is "losing chunks of memory." She has been diagnosed with something I'm not sure how to spell...vaso-something....Mom said it basically means there's a blockage in the back of her neck and she's not getting enough oxygen to her brain. But....but. I detest the word but. But, her doctor is also thinking she may be experiencing numerous T.I.A.s.....mini strokes. Mom explains that when she has an "episode" the left side of her face and mouth get "tingly" & maybe a day after having an episode she realizes a chunk of her memory is gone. "Just poof! Gone." Not too long ago she forgot my birth date.

My Mom and I have a bond that is indescribable. We are psychically bound. There is really no way for me to fully explain how tightly knit my Mama & I are. I never had a security blanket....I had my Mama. She has been my sanity...my laughter....my music....before I loved Butchy my Mama was the only one that I had ever loved with the depths of my soul. In her eyes I am incredible. I am beautiful. I am brilliant. She loves me with no conditions, no strings, no reservation. She says that I am her heart....she gave me mine. My heart was knit together in her womb. Because of her I live....because of her I breathe....because of her I know love....because of her I am me. I am her firstborn. She was shocked when she found out she had given birth to a girl....she didn't feel worthy. She had always wanted a girl, but figured it was too much to hope for. I am my Mom's jackpot. She forgot my birth date.

She has symptoms similar to Alzheimers. Her mother died of complications due to Alzheimers. Years ago, we would visit my grandma in the nursing home in Butte, MT. We would walk into the room and Mom would have to introduce herself to her Mom by saying, "Mom, I'm Linnea. Your daughter." Grandma would respond like it was Christmas and she had just been given the ultimate gift....she had a daughter! Then Mom would introduce me, her first grandchild. That would overwhelm her...too much wonderfulness. She couldn't believe her luck.

Whether she has TIAs, dementia, Alzheimers, or whatever else....all we know is that Mama is forgetting. This may sound selfish....I don't care....I don't want to walk into the room and Mom not know who I am. The thought of her looking at me with no sign of recognition....no adoration....no love.....

Please, Mama...don't forget me.


Friday, July 25, 2008

Bunch of nuttin'

It's been awhile since I've blogged....no real reason. Just didn't feel like it, I guess.

Ya know how when things are going really good you don't want to ponder it too deeply, just in case you might jinx it? I think that's where I'm at right now....but, I firmly believe we create the world we live in....so I don't believe in no stinkin' jinxes! LOL

Here goes:
Job: LOVE my job!!! Love it, Love it, Love it! I'm an insurance agent. I service auto, home & mariner policies. If you want to know what comprehensive, collision &/or PIP are...I'm the gal to tell you all about it!

Commute: HATE my commute! Hate it, Hate it, Hate it! I drive 41 miles ONE WAY. Yes, that's 82 miles a day! What I pay in gas each month could feed a huge family in India for a decade.

Family: Everyone is in pretty good shape for the shape we're in. #1 Neice is about to turn 13 in Sept....I'm having huge issues with that! The youngest...she's 6....is missing her 2 front teeth and looking absolutely adorable. Butchy and I recently got together with her Dad & Stepmom...we had a wonderful time together. I really enjoyed spending time with them both! There is such a contrast between how they welcome & value me and how Butchy's Mom & Stepdad have completely shut me out. It's sad. Don't they see how they are hurting Butchy?

Relationship: Never in a million years could I have ever believed that Butchy and I would be as close as we are today. She is my other whole. The woman I fell in love with 7 years ago has transformed into the woman I adore today. We have a miraculous relationship. She is my very own blessing. I am so grateful for what we have gone through in the past...it brought us to where we are today. They say roses require a lot of shit to bloom perfectly.

Health: I've been dealing with health issues since my pulmonary embolism in Feb. I'm finally on an even keel. Thank all that's Holy!

I'm happy. This is a very good place to be.

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