Don't Forget to Remember Me

My Mama is "losing chunks of memory." She has been diagnosed with something I'm not sure how to spell...vaso-something....Mom said it basically means there's a blockage in the back of her neck and she's not getting enough oxygen to her brain. But....but. I detest the word but. But, her doctor is also thinking she may be experiencing numerous T.I.A.s.....mini strokes. Mom explains that when she has an "episode" the left side of her face and mouth get "tingly" & maybe a day after having an episode she realizes a chunk of her memory is gone. "Just poof! Gone." Not too long ago she forgot my birth date.

My Mom and I have a bond that is indescribable. We are psychically bound. There is really no way for me to fully explain how tightly knit my Mama & I are. I never had a security blanket....I had my Mama. She has been my sanity...my laughter....my music....before I loved Butchy my Mama was the only one that I had ever loved with the depths of my soul. In her eyes I am incredible. I am beautiful. I am brilliant. She loves me with no conditions, no strings, no reservation. She says that I am her heart....she gave me mine. My heart was knit together in her womb. Because of her I live....because of her I breathe....because of her I know love....because of her I am me. I am her firstborn. She was shocked when she found out she had given birth to a girl....she didn't feel worthy. She had always wanted a girl, but figured it was too much to hope for. I am my Mom's jackpot. She forgot my birth date.

She has symptoms similar to Alzheimers. Her mother died of complications due to Alzheimers. Years ago, we would visit my grandma in the nursing home in Butte, MT. We would walk into the room and Mom would have to introduce herself to her Mom by saying, "Mom, I'm Linnea. Your daughter." Grandma would respond like it was Christmas and she had just been given the ultimate gift....she had a daughter! Then Mom would introduce me, her first grandchild. That would overwhelm her...too much wonderfulness. She couldn't believe her luck.

Whether she has TIAs, dementia, Alzheimers, or whatever else....all we know is that Mama is forgetting. This may sound selfish....I don't care....I don't want to walk into the room and Mom not know who I am. The thought of her looking at me with no sign of recognition....no adoration....no love.....

Please, Mama...don't forget me.