Shaved Leg

There is a rule in the universe that I am not allowed to get normal/typical/run-of-the-mill health problems. Nope...I'm only allowed to get weird/puzzling/odd health stuff. Like a year ago when I had allergies that turned into the sinus infection from hell which then had nowhere to go but out my eardrum. Even though my nose was open for business.....nope, had to blow the eardrum and ooze outta my head through my ear!

If my leg was shaved I would have a picture taken of what I'm dealing with now. Since my legs are part sasquatch you ain't gonna see it...you'll have to believe me and settle for my riveting description. I have, in Dr. Gleason's words a....hold on.....have to ask Butchy, I always call it the wrong thing.....infra-patellar-mass. What this means in my terms is a big ol fat swollen pillow below my left knee. To add to the conundrum that is my body....it's painful as all get out. The mass thing isn't painful....just the whole area to the left of it is painful to the touch and even when it's not being touched. It hurt so bad while the Dr was raising my pant leg that I pulled my pants down in front of him....I just don't do that, girls! I require yards of fabric, all medical personnel out of the room while the pants are lowering and won't allow them back in until I'm all covered up and tucked in....

The Doc is stumped, Butchy (who knows oodles about medical stuff and old people ailments....I'm almost 40 now, I qualify!) hasn't any idea....I haven't talked to my Mama yet....she's pretty in-the-know about health stuff....haven't gotten her diagnosis, yet. Yesterday was spent at the Dr...then getting an ultrasound on my "mass"...then waiting an hour for my x-rays. (The gal driving my wheelchair forgot to tell them I was waiting for my x-rays)

Oh, yeah. Wheelchair....I can barely walk on that leg. Painful to walk on....also painful when not walking on it. I finally broke down and went to the Doc cuz I was sleeping in about 1 hour increments....if that. This thing is really painful! I would wish it on my worst enemy....I'll have to check my files and see who that is.

We should be getting my test results back by this coming Weds.....I'll let y'all know what it is that has invaded my leg. Have any of y'all heard of anything like this? It's not in a joint....it's not water....there's no external sign of injury....in fact, the last time I injured this knee was last T-giving and, as far as I know, that healed up ages ago.

One very good thing about all this....the drugs! Love hydrocodone! If I keep typing it's gonna start sounding even more nonsensical than it already does....drugs are kicking in. Aaaaaahhhhhh.....off to la-la land.

I'll be pooping in no time!

I'm what some would call anal....a tight ass...tightly wound....detail oriented...irritating as all get out...and some not-so-nice monikers. Basically what it all boils down to is this....if the checkbook doesn't balance I'm nutsoid. For more hours than I would care to add up today I have been obsessing over the checkbook. I have a background in auditing....that job was made for obsessed nuts like me. My situation today would make anyone nuts....yes, even you!

Here's the deal...I was reconciling my checkbook online. I was happily reconciling away when OMG!!...I was missing 2 transactions!!! 2...TWO!!!! as in more than one and less than three....T W O!!! My stomach instantly went into clench-mode...now that I think of it, so did my ass! I'm pretty sure I was suctioned to my seat. Ok...so 2 transactions appear online...but, not in my checkbook. They were for fast food restaurants....there's no doubt whatsoever that they're mine. If they were for a health club &/or a health food store that would be a completely different story.

Now here's the wonky part....these transactions were from early September. Lately we've been living pretty much paycheck to paycheck. What that means to those living above the poverty level is that come payday the checking account is very thin...absolutely anorexic....like maybe $10 in it, if we're lucky. Wonkily enough....I was never in the red! In fact, the only reason I chose to reconcile my checkbook today was because there was a $2 difference between what I said I had in the bank...and what the bank was saying. The bank said I had $2 more....now we all know that's just wrong! After spending hours and hours of trying to figure out how I didn't bounce any checks with 2 transactions totalling almost $24 missing from my check register.....I found heaven. I had a come-to-Jesus moment....I saw the light....The Hallelujah Chorus began playing in my mind....it was almost orgasmic...almost....The answer to this Agatha Christie worthy mystery? I had transferred $25 from savings to checking in early September and never wrote it down!! Do you hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing The Hallelujah Chorus??? Do you!?! I sure do!!

How do I spell relief?

T W E N T Y - F I V E D O L L A R S!!!!

Aaaaaahhhhh.....feel the unclenching begin......like the title for this post says....I'll be pooping in no time!

Crap & More Crap

In case you haven't heard the news....I love my job! I'm not being facetious...or any other "tious"...I really do love my job. Don't go thinking that my fugly-plastic-ain't-ever-gonna-have-sex-again-glasses have suddenly developed rose colored lenses, they haven't. I'm quite aware that my job is not perfect. The job itself has lots of challenges....if it didn't I'd be bored outta my thick skull.

I have to be reeeeeeallllyyyyyy careful what I say here. Being Dooced is not on my list of things to do before I die. Someday I'll share my list with y'all.....after I've actually written it down, of course. Anyway....my job....after I was out of training and OJT (that's when you're on "the floor" taking calls with a babysitter [they call them trainers & floor-walkers] looking over your shoulder making sure you aren't giving Mr. Big Spender/Little Bill Payer a $50,000 credit limit increase)....so, out of OJT I started seeing a gal around that looked familiar to me. I couldn't place where I knew her from.....until.....until the day she stopped by my cubie to talk to me about this HUGE ASS BOO BOO I'd been making for like....well.....ever since they allowed me to talk to someone on the phone that wasn't a bank associate. We're talking about balance transfers here, people. Yeah....got a call from a really nice guy questioning why the bank was sending him a letter saying, "You can't transfer one BofA product to another BofA product".....he went on to ask if BofA had merged with Wells Fargo.....nope, we sure haven't! With much disgust I hunted through the notes to discover who would mess up such a simple thing as a balance transfer......you got it....ME!!! Holy Mother Pheasant Plucker! Talk about a dumbass! After realizing my error.....well, after being shown the error of my ways by our faithful babysitters.....I sent an email to my manager telling her about the dummy they hired. She cautioned me that I would be continuously "coached" on this. Coaching is actually pretty cool....it's all about learning from your mistakes. So....this gal that looks familiar to me is "coaching" me. She's like the 3rd one in 2 days.....when I make a mistake, I make a DOOZY!!! But, let me just say in my defense.....I'm consistent! So....she's "coaching" and I'm sitting there trying to figure out where I know this gal from.....BAM!!! It hits me......I met her and her brother when they started coming out to the gay bars in town years and years and ages ago.

My eyes must have shown that I was so not listening to her....I broke into her "spiel" and asked her if she had a brother. Yep...she does. I then reminded her that we knew each other back in the day. Back in the day when she was pretending to be gay....you heard me...she was PRETENDING to be gay so that she would fit in at the gay bars! Also....she stole from me. Yes....again, you heard me correctly....she STOLE from me. She worked at a film processing store....I went on a weekend get away with a good friend....a good gay guy friend that she was wanting all to herself. So...he took my film into her place to be processed and she kept it all. All 4 rolls. She told him to tell me that they were ruined....him being the catty queen that he was told me the truth.....I think he wanted to see the Wrath of Kat descend upon her blonde vacant head.

Not only is she a co-worker....she's a manager! I think she's remembering that we did not part company on good terms....she pretty much avoids me. I'm not complaining....I have NO use for thieves. Steal from me and there's NO second chances. Nada...zip....zero...uh-uh...No way! Bye bye.

Ok...that's it for this story....I'm over it and her.

C-y'all next week! I'll be on vacation...you'll probably hearing lots from me!