Where the hell have I been?

Good question! Let's see.....ummmmm.......think think think.....ummmmmm......welllllllll.......i've been in a hole....a cave....a delusion.....a deep pit of despair.....yeah, that works.

Love sought me out in the pit of hell, wrapped its arms around me, melted my titanium walls and drew me out into the light of wholeness and healing.

With overwhelming gratitude i can easily say i'm....smitten....twitterpated....gonzo....over the moon.....head over heels.....yes, i'm in love. His name is God. Amazingly enough....He feels the same way about me! We're still in the early stages of our love. ok...to be completely honest...i'm in the early stages....turns out He's loved me from the second i was a glimmer in His imagination. He's pretty incredible...i can't wait for you to meet Him and tell me what you think of Him.

Lipstick Jungle

One of my new favorite shows has been canceled....I LOVE Lipstick Jungle!! I am in mourning! In a conversation with Butchy the other day I told her that the problem with the show is that it's on the wrong network. It should have been on ABC. It's too hip and female-oriented for NBC. NBC is for boring guy shows....I mean look at their piece of crap Knight Rider. I watched the first episode of that crap show and couldn't even begin to think about watching another one....it reminded me of Pamela Anderson's VIP show. It is so obviously filmed in Canada and the script is horrible! They have awesome toys and technology.....but there's no substance. I was hoping for edgy and got soft and soggy. YUCK!

I digress....I want my Lipstick Jungle!!! I love the characters and want to know more about them! They are like a book that I don't want to put down....what happens next? Will Victory "woman up" and tell Joe she loves him? Will Wendy start her own company or accept the job offer from Nico's friend? Will Nico figure out what her issue with Kirby is? They better not leave us hanging!

How does a gal go about protesting this cancellation? I wanna write a letter of complaint to someone....who would that be?

British Invasion?!?

I'm getting very confused....when did the British win the war? Which war did they win? Did I miss the memo?!?!?

The reason I ask is because American Idol has a Brit on the judging panel....I never have understood why a Brit has anything to do with judging AMERICAN Idol. I don't care that the show originated in England....is there an American judge on their Pop Idol show?!? Are there no assholes in America that can do what Simon Cowell does?

Then there's America's Got Talent....that has 2 Brits and one Hoff (who is HUGE in Germany. But his career in America is basically dead, brain dead & on life support from what I hear). But, back to the 2 Brits.....why are the British deciding who has talent in AMERICA?!? See why I'm confused? Then today I read that Ricky Gervais...another guy from the other side of the pond...is being considered as host of this year's Oscars! What's up with that?!? Are we running out of American talent? Is there absolutely NO ONE from America capable of hosting the Oscars?

Where's Paul Revere when we need him?

Don't Forget to Remember Me

My Mama is "losing chunks of memory." She has been diagnosed with something I'm not sure how to spell...vaso-something....Mom said it basically means there's a blockage in the back of her neck and she's not getting enough oxygen to her brain. But....but. I detest the word but. But, her doctor is also thinking she may be experiencing numerous T.I.A.s.....mini strokes. Mom explains that when she has an "episode" the left side of her face and mouth get "tingly" & maybe a day after having an episode she realizes a chunk of her memory is gone. "Just poof! Gone." Not too long ago she forgot my birth date.

My Mom and I have a bond that is indescribable. We are psychically bound. There is really no way for me to fully explain how tightly knit my Mama & I are. I never had a security blanket....I had my Mama. She has been my sanity...my laughter....my music....before I loved Butchy my Mama was the only one that I had ever loved with the depths of my soul. In her eyes I am incredible. I am beautiful. I am brilliant. She loves me with no conditions, no strings, no reservation. She says that I am her heart....she gave me mine. My heart was knit together in her womb. Because of her I live....because of her I breathe....because of her I know love....because of her I am me. I am her firstborn. She was shocked when she found out she had given birth to a girl....she didn't feel worthy. She had always wanted a girl, but figured it was too much to hope for. I am my Mom's jackpot. She forgot my birth date.

She has symptoms similar to Alzheimers. Her mother died of complications due to Alzheimers. Years ago, we would visit my grandma in the nursing home in Butte, MT. We would walk into the room and Mom would have to introduce herself to her Mom by saying, "Mom, I'm Linnea. Your daughter." Grandma would respond like it was Christmas and she had just been given the ultimate gift....she had a daughter! Then Mom would introduce me, her first grandchild. That would overwhelm her...too much wonderfulness. She couldn't believe her luck.

Whether she has TIAs, dementia, Alzheimers, or whatever else....all we know is that Mama is forgetting. This may sound selfish....I don't care....I don't want to walk into the room and Mom not know who I am. The thought of her looking at me with no sign of recognition....no adoration....no love.....

Please, Mama...don't forget me.

Bunch of nuttin'

It's been awhile since I've blogged....no real reason. Just didn't feel like it, I guess.

Ya know how when things are going really good you don't want to ponder it too deeply, just in case you might jinx it? I think that's where I'm at right now....but, I firmly believe we create the world we live in....so I don't believe in no stinkin' jinxes! LOL

Here goes:
Job: LOVE my job!!! Love it, Love it, Love it! I'm an insurance agent. I service auto, home & mariner policies. If you want to know what comprehensive, collision &/or PIP are...I'm the gal to tell you all about it!

Commute: HATE my commute! Hate it, Hate it, Hate it! I drive 41 miles ONE WAY. Yes, that's 82 miles a day! What I pay in gas each month could feed a huge family in India for a decade.

Family: Everyone is in pretty good shape for the shape we're in. #1 Neice is about to turn 13 in Sept....I'm having huge issues with that! The youngest...she's 6....is missing her 2 front teeth and looking absolutely adorable. Butchy and I recently got together with her Dad & Stepmom...we had a wonderful time together. I really enjoyed spending time with them both! There is such a contrast between how they welcome & value me and how Butchy's Mom & Stepdad have completely shut me out. It's sad. Don't they see how they are hurting Butchy?

Relationship: Never in a million years could I have ever believed that Butchy and I would be as close as we are today. She is my other whole. The woman I fell in love with 7 years ago has transformed into the woman I adore today. We have a miraculous relationship. She is my very own blessing. I am so grateful for what we have gone through in the past...it brought us to where we are today. They say roses require a lot of shit to bloom perfectly.

Health: I've been dealing with health issues since my pulmonary embolism in Feb. I'm finally on an even keel. Thank all that's Holy!

I'm happy. This is a very good place to be.

I've been thinking.....

Life is perceptions & opinions based on perceptions. That's my opinion. Facts can be presented to 2 people. For example a baby has been born with 2 faces on one little head. Here in America the baby at birth would have been kept in the hospital, x-rayed, poked, prodded, scrutinized by every specialist & labeled a freak with years of surgery in her future. But, in India where she was born, she's a goddess. A beautiful baby with 2 faces & no surgeries in her future. Makes me wonder if all of our scientific & technological advances have removed the human factor....who knows, maybe she is a goddess. Maybe we have goddesses born into our society every day and we never see them because they don't fit the mold. They don't match our standards for beauty and normalcy. Is surgery to attain normalcy a human right?

Over 400 women and children have been removed from a compound where there lives have been controlled by fear and abuse. This makes me sick to my stomach. We were aghast at the German townspeople near concentration camps....how could they sit back and do nothing? Now we have our own modern-day holocaust, right here in the good ol' USA. Right in the President's backyard! Doesn't he still claim to be from Texas? I am in no way saying the fault lies with the President, or even the government....in fact, I have no clue who's ultimately responsible for breeding & raising girls for a life of molestation, rape & abuse. My heart is so heavy for each and every woman & child. Everything they were raised to believe as truth....their foundations....the core of their beliefs.....shattered.

When my family and I returned from our years in the Philippines as missionaries I experienced life-threatening culture shock. Living in the Philippines and the years leading up to our moving there I was in a sheltered society. Nothing close to these women and children...but, to this day I'm still asked if I came from underneath a rock or if I was raised in a cave....my points of reference and my childhood memories were completely foreign to those I went to high school with here in the States. I was 16 when we returned to the States....I went from a sheltered Christian High School & home....to a world I couldn't comprehend. Swiftly I descended into a bottomless depression....I became suicidal. My mind & emotions could not catch up to all the changes.

The culture shock for these women....unimaginable....similar to taking a tribal person out of their village and plunking them down in the middle of Times Square. I wish there was something I could do....I hate feeling helpless.

In case you haven't heard.....

Jan 26th I went into Group Health Urgent Care with a severe ear ache. I was diagnosed at that time with a sinus infection. Shortly before that visit I was noticing that when I would walk certain distances I would get winded. I figured, after the sinus infection diagnosis, that the shortness of breath was due to having a cold.

Over the next week I started becoming more concerned because the shortness of breath was worsening. Sun, Feb 3rd, it reached a crisis stage & after work I went back into Urgent Care....we got there around 7:30 pm. Butchy & I had figured that I had either developed pneumonia or my cold brought on asthma. I've never had asthma, but knew that it was possible for it to be brought on by a cold.

By the time I got to Urgent Care I was gasping for breath with no exertion....trying to breathe was causing me to gasp for air. I was being slowly suffocated. The Dr in UC, Dr Basale, ran a bunch of tests and while waiting for the lab & x-ray results he had me on oxygen. Even with the oxygen my blood/oxygen saturation level was only around 90, or so.

My room at UC was pretty close to the nurse's station....at one point Butchy & I heard a couple of them exclaiming about labs coming back with a 4,000....I started to panic, but calmed myself by telling myself that the lab result could have been for anyone. I wasn't the only one in UC that night. I decided not to worry, unless told otherwise.

Dr. Basale finally came in with the results around 10:30. All tests were indicating that I had a possible pulmonary embolism.....a clot in my lung. The D-Dimer test result was over 4300!!!....a normal reading is only 2 - 400!! That test indicated the possibility of a clot...but it's not a specific test so more tests would have to be run to figure out where the exact location of the clot was & if it actually was a clot causing my breathing issues. Dr. Basale told me that I would be admitted to a hospital & then started me on a heparin drip.

Group Health could not find me a hospital bed in Tacoma, so I was sent by ambulance to Group Health's hospital in Redmond....an hour away (with no traffic). I was NOT happy to be so far away from home and family!!

5 am I finally got settled into my room....I was beyond exhausted. Rest was not to be had on Monday....after a zillion tests & being poked and prodded like a pin cushion.....it was determined that I have a small clot in my right lung. Heparin would keep it from getting bigger, but as far as the clot itself: the body would absorb it over time.....also, my breathing would get better as my body adjusted to the clot. As the clot grew my body could not adjust....with the growth stopped my body would bore a hole through the clot allowing me to breathe even better.

My main concern was not being sent home until I could breathe....the Drs main concern was my blood clotting levels...INR, as they call 'em. I started at .9 and had to be at 2 before I could go home. Finally on Fri I was at 2.1....I couldn't wait to go home! My breathing was markedly improved on Weds & each day it got better and better.....I was getting cabin fever in my hospital room. I was on the telemetry unit (I referred to my telly-box as my telly-tubby box)....the nurses weren't used to caring for someone my age. I would get such accolades for being able to roll over in bed & with how sturdy I was walking! It would crack Butchy & I up constantly....I would get compliments for walking from the bed to the potty. YAY ME!! LOL

I was discharged and sent on my way around 3:15 on Fri....yep....discharged during rush hour! grrrrrrrr After 4 hours...yes, 4 HOURSSSSSSS....we finally got home! I was a whiney-miserable-mess! Butchy was absolutely wonderful to me. She has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal. I am beyond blessed to have her in my life. She takes very good care of me.

It is so good to be home! I still get winded, but nothing like I was dealing with before. I just have to be careful not to push myself. The clot is going to heal in its own time...not the timeframe I would prefer. The Drs said it will probably be 5-8 weeks before I'm breathing normally. I'll be on coumadin (blood thinner) for 6 months....and I've been taken off birth-control pills.

Birth-control pills have kept me from having a period for the last 7 years....I was on Depo for 6 & the pills for the last year....my periods are nightmares. I have homicidal pms & then cramps that compare to the end stage of childbirth. The pills are being blamed as the culprit for causing my blood clot.....nothing is definite....they couldn't find where the clot came from nor what caused it. Since the pill is known for causing clots I have been taken off the pill indefinitely. My Dr is now looking into other avenues to stop my periods. Until they stop, I will have aggressive pain management. I can't take ibuprofen anymore....so, now I'm on lortab (7.5/500)...it's a stronger version of hydrocodone without additional acetaminophen (tylenol). I've also been prescribed "bufferin"....it's got a super long name, but it's similar to Bufferin, according to the Doc I saw yesterday.....it's not known to cause bleeding like ibuprofen is. Hopefully bufferin and lortab will keep me relatively pain-free during my next period. The period I started in the hospital was horrible...I only had hydrocodone (5/500)....that took off the edge, but I was still in a lot of pain. I found it ironic that I left the hospital in tons more pain then when I went in! I HATE periods!! I'm hoping that I will be allowed to get a hysterectomy in 6+ months....probably can't get one until I'm off coumadin.

It's going to take me a while to recover...but, I'm doing MUCH better than I was....I'm not in any danger of throwing another clot in the next 6 months....we'll see what happens after that. I'm not going to worry about it now, though. Today life is good!

So, there ya have it....that's what's going on with me! I'm worn out from typing this up....it's nap time! LOL