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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Another visit to the Archives.*cough* *cough*

This was previously posted on Feb 8th, I'm still dealing with the migraine....gonna try the salsa idea!

No Fat, No Support
I'm fat. Yep, I'm fat in all the right spots. I'm also fat in all the wrong spots, but I figure it all evens out in the wash. *What the heck is that supposed to mean?* Being fat is a great Stupid Detector. We all need a good user-friendly Stupid Detector. For a small fee, you may rent me for "stupid detecting purposes ONLY!" My being fat is perfection, I never have to wonder who the stupid people are in any crowd. They pipe right up and declare, "I'm the stupid person! Me, Me, Me!!" What they think they're saying is something derogatory about my weight...but I just feel gratitude for their comment, I no longer have to wonder who the stupid person/people is/are.
Regarding stupid people: Why is it that stupid people feel the urgent need to only state the obvious? I know for a fact that if a person is fat, they are aware of it! I didn't go to sleep one night with a perfect size 6 body and wake up with the perfect size 6 times 5 body that I have now. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard a stupid person say, "You're fat!" ok. and? Do they walk up to the blind and declare that the person is blind? Do they approach beautiful women and state the fact that they are gorgeous? Well, actually that wouldn't be stupid, more on the order of a great pick-up line.....but if the hot woman just happened to be holding a blind-fat-E.T. looking-baby, would they bring that to the hottie's attention? Probably, if they were a genuine stupid person! There's so much more to say about stupid people, I'll just have to pace myself and restrain myself from posting it all at once. So, that's it.......for now.

It has become clear that losing weight would bring about many disadvantages. It's now necessary to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages. To make this decision I need some lightly buttered popcorn, chocolate w/almonds and some Diet Lemon Lime Twist Up.

Disadvantage #1:
My boobs would end up tucked into my socks. The belly supports the boobies. No belly no booby support! That sounds pretty serious to me!

#2:
Chubby-bubby thighs are wonderful when ya really gotta pee. I don't have to rely on muscle control alone, holding my thighs together keeps me accident-free. There's just no room for nothin' between those bubbies!

3#:
I can sit on concrete longer than Mary-Kate can without having holes bored into my bum from my bumbones. This talent is used primarily at parades, I've kicked my habit of sitting in traffic impersonating a speedbump.

#4:
Bulldozing my way through a crowd clears a path like Moses at the Red Sea. Old women and children beware!

#5:
Noone tries to prove their masculinity by lifting me over their head. They know that this would only prove their ability to get a hernia if they even attempted it!

#6:
The whole Stupid Detector thing mentioned in above.

#7:
My clothes can be used as housing for a small, as in thin, family of 3. Maybe this is an advantage for losing weight......need more chocolate to think about this.

#8:
Standing next to me causes thin women to look even thinner!

I'm sure there's more, I'm in a sugar low now......where's my chocolate stash?

3 Comments:

Blogger Alekx declared....

I stumbled across your blog and almost bust a gut laughing.
There are some real truths to what you have written. I've lost 257lbs and you are soooooo right about the boobs tucked into the socks remark. Thank God for padded bras to help hold these lumps of skin up.
The stupid detector, yup right on the money, I now have to try other ploys to figure out the really stupid people in a crowd.
Thanks for letting me visit.

4/12/2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger Lynda declared....

That was hysterical - thanks for sharing.

4/12/2005 3:44 PM  
Blogger Queenie declared....

That entry was great the first time I read it, and I swear to god it's even funnier now.
Hope your head feels better soon!

4/12/2005 9:37 PM  

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