Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Sinuses? What sinuses? I'm too busy laughing.....

Notes from "Frank"
An Inexperienced Chili Taster who
was visiting Texas:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that hot, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Oh SHIT!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy!

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beerwagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard my
backbone is now in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Bean Secret

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue as I
swallowed, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, add considerable kick. Very

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in
one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good!..At the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the new 4 inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8: Padre's Percolatin' Pulverizin' Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend-bold
but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili;
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot
on top of himself.

FRANK: ----- (editor's note: Judge #3 is unconscious and unable to


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