CIA Is In Control of the After Life!!!

A thought just slammed into my head. I took some naproxen for the pain and now I must share the truth I have been given.
The CIA has their fingers in numerous pies. *I'm not a pie person. Not at all....I just scrape out the innards and leave the crust.*
ANYWAY....someday these rabbit trails are gonna be the death of me!
ANYWAY Part 2: The CIA has taken control of the After Life. You're probably wondering how I know this to be true. How I can make such a declarative statement about a club that I have never been a member of....it's all in the evidence. Let's follow the evidence, shall we?
1) The CIA is shrouded in mystery---so is the After Life!
That's not all my proof, keep reading Mr. Skeptical Pants....
2)People who join the CIA can't even tell their own families where they are and what they are doing ---same way in the After Life, once your spirit vacates your body you can't go back. It's not a round-trip flight, unless you are one of the very few chosen to have an After Life experience...then you get a movie on your flight home. *No, there's no popcorn or peanuts to go with the movie! Sheesh!* Some mistake the movie for their life passing in front of their eyes or a bright light.....it is actually a movie of your life it's shown to those that are going to spend their eternity in line at the DMV. (A place we on earth call Hell.)
Let's move on to more evidence:
3) You have to jump through numerous hoops to join the CIA---well, actually joining the After Life is a much simpler process and for some a lot less painful! Joining the After Life does require a commitment, though.
I'm still not done presenting the evidence...now sit down and be quiet or else you're going to be spending some quality time in purgatory, young man!!

4) C.I.A., do we really know what those letters mean? We know what they want us to think it means. I submit for your enjoyment and your ponderances that the real meaning is:

Controlling
OmnIsciently
in the
After Life

(Omniscient: possessed of universal or complete knowledge)

Now I know you're thinking, "Wait one gosh darn minute here! Wouldn't it be called the C.O.I.T.A.L. then?"
Do you realize what you just spelled? Look up coital in the dictionary; actually let me do it for you! According to the geniuses at Merriam-Webster coital is the adjective for coitus, which means, and I quote, "physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements usually leading to....."WHOA!! We know good and well what that leads to. *Satisfied men and another mess for women to clean up!!*
So basically coital means screwing/screwed/screwly? *Screwly, tell me that shouldn't be a "real" word! He looked at her screwly before she kicked him in the groin!* Americans are well-known for discussing how the governement is screwing us.....I'm not going to spoon feed this to you! You have to do some thinking of your own here! Just remember the "CIA," or whatever their REAL name is, is all about secrets. Would it really be unheard of for them to hide their REAL name from the American people?

I can sense that you are still not convinced. Even with all this evidence staring you in the face, you have doubts. Ok...here's some evidence that will seal the deal for you:
5) To communicate the CIA uses codes---when those in the After Life are permitted to speak they are only permitted to use codes!!!
Work with me here. When a psychic is doing a reading do they ever say, "Granny Fanny says 'hi" and that she left all her most valuable jewelry in the false bottom of her panty drawer?" Nope....all ya get from Granny Fanny is "jeweled panties" and a bunch of letters from the alphabet that when strung together spell out liozgrrlnzop...not a lot to work with there. Or a number that when all is said and done turns out to be the number of teeth Granny had.
The other night we were watching Psychic Detectives, that's what got me to thinking about this. I wondered aloud, "why do people from the After Life speak in code? Why don't they just spill the beans?" When a woman, who has been brutally killed, contacts a psychic why can't she just tell the psychic, "My no good husband shot me and buried my bloody carcass under the new hot tub he's putting in for him and his skanky whore. He melted the gun down and turned it into a doorknob for the new door he had to install in the bathroom after blowing my brains all over the old one!"???? Instead the only information that is passed on to the psychic (after intense scrutiny by the COITAL censors) is, "hot water, brainy whore." Tell me that isn't a code!!

All the evidence is very clear about who's in control of the After Life. Whether you believe me, or not, doesn't really matter......when you see that bright light, just sit back relax and hope you aren't about to see a movie!